Friday, June 11, 2010

Bridal Boot Camp- episode 1: "Francesca, I have diarrhea."

Bridal Boot Camp on VH1 is coo coo for Coco Puffs. It is odd. It is weird. And it is a lot of fun.

Bridal Boot Camp is a reality show that follows 10 engaged women who want to get in shape for their upcoming weddings. Whoever loses the most weight at the end wins "the wedding of their dreams". Bridal boot camps are really popular, and I was intrigued by what was going on here- it is a reality show about weight loss, right?

The host, Cynthia Conde, is a real live trainer that owns her own boot camp facility out in Long Island, NY. She is a lady. I apologize for my comment I made in a previous post where I thought she might be a tranny. She is a woman, but she is really beefy. The muscles and the low voice fooled me, people.

We meet the bride-testants on the back of an Army truck wearing wedding gowns and combat boots. They are greeted by their two trainers, Steve and Francesca, by forcing them out of the truck and through a military style obstacle course complete with explosions. The women drag themselves through the mud and introduce themselves while doing jumping jacks and puking.

Tara: From Tennessee, Tara is a motivational speaker and wants to fit in a size 6 dress.

Melissa: From Pennsylvania, Melissa is a journalist, bitchy game player, and wants to fit in a size 6 dress.

Amberly: From California, Amberly is a student/bartender and wants to fit in a size 6 dress.

Lauren: From Pennsylvania, Lauren is a hair stylist with 38 DDD boobs and wants to fit into a size 8 dress.

Tina: From Tennessee, Tina is a student and asthma sufferer who wants to fit into a size 14 dress.

Kelley: From Tennessee, Kelley is a student who wants to fit into a size 6 dress.

Tesha: From Virginia, Tesha is a counselor, mother of 3, oldest contestant, and wants to fit into a size 8 dress.

Courtney: From Florida, Courtney is a professional singer, puker, and likes to color in coloring books. Oh, and she want to fit into a size 6 dress.

Jamie: From Idaho, Jamie is an athlete who wants to fit into a size 4 dress.

Kacey: From California, Kacey is a student with a supposed muffin top who wants to fit into a size 4 dress.

Lots of similarities here. Everyone has an accent and wants to be a size 6.

The ladies are split into Bridal Party Green with Francesca and Bridal Party Blue with Steve and go to the barracks to change into their uniforms. They receive an invitation from Cynthia Conde for their last supper of crap food. They are all so excited to eat the pizza and burgers that they almost didn't notice the enormous tank that rolls up, drives over their table, and destroys dinner. It is Cynthia, and in her thick Long Island accent she declares that "It is ON." Or awn?

Week one of the camp was a load of vomiting, an asthma attack and hospitalization from Tina, soda withdrawal from Jamie, cat fights with racist comments from Melissa and Tesha, and some working out. There is also a challenge called a Marital Mission (listen to Cynthia say Martial Mission- priceless) where the girls have to shovel sugar into a wheelbarrow, pour it into a canoe, and then push the canoe out into the water (wharter).

Bridal Party Green wins the challenge in 5 minutes and 40 seconds over Blue's 7 minutes and 29 seconds, and has their first weigh in. The weigh in is on a pier with a regular step on scale! No special ceremony for these chicks.

Melissa: From 182 lbs to 173 lbs- 9 lbs lost

Courtney: From 155 lbs to 150 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Kasey: From 147 lbs to 139 lbs- 8 lbs lost

Kelley: From 161 lbs to 152 lbs- 9 lbs lost

Lauren: From 174 lbs to 171 lbs- 3 lbs lost

Lauren is upset she didn't lose as much as the others, and Cynthia take her to the side and comforts her. "Ya still lawst weight."

Bridal Party Blue has to go to the Fitting Room, where the elimination takes place. Their scale is in a room of mirrors. TORTURE.

Jamie: From 147 lbs to 139 lbs- 8 lbs lost

Tesha: From 156 lbs to 151 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Tina: From 201 lbs to 196 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Tara: From 192 lbs to 183 lbs- 9 lbs lost

Amberly: From 168 lbs to 163 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Based on body fat percentage, Tina and Amberly are the bottom two. Cynthia asks the other teammates which bride should stay and everyone gets to talk smack. Even the trainer, Steve, gets to put his two cents in. Can you imagine if Bob and Jillian from Biggest Loser got to help decide who stayed?

Cynthia ultimately decides, and she chooses Tina and her asthma not to be fit for combat. Amberly stays for another week.

This show is a combo of about 11 different reality shows, from Celebrity Fit Club to The Newlywed Game, and it is trashy, awesome summertime fun. Don't expect to learn any real tips or tricks. Do expect lots of fights and quotables, like my title- one girl almost poops herself while doing jumping jacks. Reality gold.

No comments:

Post a Comment