Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Biggest Loser- week 9- The Young and The Waistless

{Open with montage of contestants stating things like, "Week 9." "I can't believe it is week 9." "There are only 8 contestants left."}

Shay: I could be a finalist.
Dan: This is two times as long as when I was here last time.
Rebecca: I am so close I could taste it!
Shay: I've never given up. (REALLY SHAY? HOW DID WE GET HERE?)
Danny: I really want to be there at the end when they are shooting confetti cannons. OH. And I want to be The Biggest Loser.

{Scene opens in Calabasas, CA, home to the Biggest Loser Ranch. We see the contestants walking into a tree lined meadow. One Alison Sweeney stands radiantly next to what appears to be a game.}

Ali: Contestants. I know you have encountered a lot of obstacles. Sometimes you beat the scale. And, sometimes {heightened pause} the scale beats you. This week, it will beat two of you.
{Contestants look wide eyed and terrified}
Ali: This week is a double elimination. BUM BUM BUM.

Contestants: {overlapping} What? I can't believe it! Is this in the contract? et al.
Dan: I didn't factor this in when I was playing the game!
Rebecca: I am really great at math. If two contestants go home, that is 1/4!

Ali: There is the yellow line. And then there is a red line. If you fall below the red line, you will go home immediately. No voting, no elimination, no passing go OR collecting $200. Then the two contestants below the yellow line will have the regular elimination ceremony.
Contestants: {quietly} Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon.

Ali: And now it's time for THE POP CHALLENGE!

{Camera pans to backboards painted in the colors of the BL contestants that are competing. Each board has tennis balls stuck to it. }

Ali: The rules are simple. Grab the tennis balls and put them in your can. The first contestant to get all all their balls wins. And the prize? A one pound advantage at this week's weigh in.
Allen: WHAT? Why, a one pound advantage is almost as good as immunity! I want that prize!
Ali: Amanda, due to your tennis ball phobia, you will not be competing. Contestants! On your mark, get set, GO!

{Remaining 7 contestants run for their boards and begin to grab tennis balls. The summer sun beats down on them as their shirts become increasing slick with sweat. Amanda and Ali rest comfortably on the sidelines. The race becomes neck and neck for Allen and Rebecca, who only are separated by two balls. It looks close, but Allen is declared victor. Rebecca throws her ball and walks off in disgust.}

Ali: Congrats, Allen.
Allen: Thank you, Ali. Although I know that this is an advantage, I know this is not a guarantee. I vow by Thor's hammer that I will work out harder than I ever have worked out!

{Later that day: scene opens on the walking path on the Biggest Loser grounds. Camera shows Rebecca and Amanda furiously walking and gossiping even more furiously.}

Amanda: We have to cut Liz loose.
Rebecca: Yeah! She's old and we are so young.
Amanda: And hot!
Rebecca: Right. And hot. Liz is going below that red line. And then {makes cutting sound and draws finger across her neck} we'll get rid of all the other old people.
Both: Evil laughter.

{Same path, opposite side of the ranch. Liz and Danny mosey and talk like country folk.}

Danny: Gorsh, Liz. We country folks need to stick together.
Liz: Darn tootin', Danny.
Danny: I've been worryin' 'bout yer knee. Here's the deal: we oldin's need to work hard to keep you 'bove that red line. Ya hear?
Liz: Loud and clear, Danny. Those youngin's can kiss my grits.

{Next scene: inside the compound. Bob and Jillian enter into the waiting room where the contestants are drinking Brita water.}

Bob: Hi y'all!
Jillian: Where's Trazy? I wanted to give her a big hug. With my fists. {everyone laughs}
Bob: So what's up?
Allen: Well, we had a pop challenge.
Bob: Great!
Dan: And two people are being sent home this week.
Bob and Jillian: WHAT?!? {Bob faints.}
Jillian: Let's go to the gym.

{Contestants file out to go to the gym. Camera sees Bob and Jillian meeting secretly to discuss the fates of their contestants.}

Bob: Jillian, I'm so scared. {Jillian slaps Bob across the face.}
Jillian: Pull it together, Bob. We don't have time for the nice guy routine. People's lives are on the line.
Bob: How can we play God?
Jillian: Easy. Just listen to what the producers say and try to do the exact opposite. We need to save Shay, see?
Bob: But Amanda. . .?
Jillian: Enough about your girlfriend.
Bob: But Jillian!
Jillian: SILENCE! Here, chew on this. {hands him piece of Extra sugar free gum} Listen to me and listen to me good. Amanda is going to be fine. We need to focus all the intensity of my mind bullets on Shay this week. Get it? Got it? Good.
Bob: Wonder Twin Powers Activate!
Jillian: Form: a treadmill!
Bob: Shape: A kettlebell! {Jillian and Bob soar through the air to the gym.}

{Cut to: path outside the 24 Hour fitness gym. Bob walks with Rudy and Amanda.}

Rudy: I'm feeling weak, Bob. I don't know how I am going to make it.
Bob: There are forces conspiring against us. You must be strong. I need for you to repeat after me. I, Rudy. . .
Rudy: I, Rudy. . .
Bob: Do solemnly swear. . .
Rudy: Do solemnly swear. . .
Bob: That I will do whatever Bob asks of me this week. {Rudy hesitates.} SAY IT!
Rudy: That I will do whatever Bob ask of me this week.
Bob: Now smile and get in there. And don't tell Jillian I was talking to you! {hugs Rudy and Amanda, kissing them on both cheeks.} Now go!

{In the gym. We see the contestants on the treadmills under the watchful eye of Jillian. Shay starts to falter, but Jillian uses the force to keep her going strong. Everyone is going crazy, worried about falling beneath the red line. Danny screams.}

Danny: My hip! Oh, sweet LORD.
Jillian: Danny, you are done.
Danny: But Jillian-
Jillian: No "but Jillian". You are done, finished, finito, sayonara sucker.

{Danny runs off in tears. Shay is struggling on the StairMaster and lets out a whimper. Jillian focuses on her.}

Jillian: What's wrong Shay?
Shay: Everything hurts!
Jillian: Do you want to go home?
Shay: No, Jillian.
Jillian: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Jillian: Get in plank. And stop crying.
Shay:I'm not crying! My eyes are sweating!
Jillian: As the great Billy Ocean once said, "When the going gets tough, the tough gets going." I'm going to make sure you don't fall below that red line. At least you'll be above that.

{The old folks team meets secretly inside the compound.}

Allen: Did you guys know that people are playing a game? {Rudy, Liz, and Danny look at him like he is stupid.} Maybe I should get in on the action.
Rudy: We need to make sure that we all stay above that red line.
Liz: They're gonna be gunnin' fer me. What with me bein' old and whatnot.
Danny: We'll watch out fer ya, Liz.
Liz: Better. 'Cause I'm gonna kill some youngin's and cook 'em in a low cal possum stew if'n I fall below that red line.

{Back at the gym. Jillian is focusing mind bullets on Rebecca while on the treadmill. }

Jillian: 45 more seconds.
Rebecca: I'm tired! 30 seconds.
Jillian: 45.
Rebecca: 30.
Jillian: 45.
Rebecca: 30!
Jillian: Either you do it or I will gut you.
Rebecca: I HATE YOU! You're not my real DAD! {Rebecca runs off crying to Amanda.}
Jillian: Kids. You can't live with them. You can't kill them. Legally.

{Amanda and Rebecca are in their girly pink fortress at the compound.}

Rebecca: Jillian is so unfair! Why does she want me to believe in myself?
Amanda: Dude, I totally did this two episodes ago.
Rebecca: Oh, right. I forgot. Best Friends?
Amanda: Best friends!
Rebecca: I love Dan- don't tell anyone! I just put it on my Facebook page!

{In another wing of the compound, Danny and Bob have a secret meeting.}

Bob: I know Jillian told you you were done, but you aren't!
Danny: But she told me I was finished! How can we defy her?
Bob: Because we just can, okay? Don't ask questions.
Danny: I came here to look at my skinny pictures. I'm hoping that with enough work I can rejoin my high school football team. Or at least fit back into my uniform. {Bob stares.}

{Next scene: we are at the circus. Ali and a bunch of clowns greet the contestants.}

Ali: Contestants! Today we are going to be jumping through hoops! And the prize?
Rebecca: We get to not hang out with the clowns?
Ali: IMMUNITY! It's on.

{Camera shows multicolor hoops, trampolines, and mats.}

Ali: You must jump through the hoop of your fellow contestant you want to kick out of the game. When that hoop has been jumped through 100 times, that contestant is done. Whoever is left standing wins the grand prize. Ready, set, JUMP!

{the contestants scramble to find who they want to eliminate first. The young folks focus on Liz. The older folks focus on Amanda.}

Ali: Liz, you are out.
Ali: Amanda, you are also out.
Amanda: Dammit!
Ali: Dan, you are now out.
Dan: Rebecca!
Rebecca: DAN!
Ali: Allen, you are now out.

{We see Rudy and Danny tag team to get out Rebecca. Rebecca gets really mad.}

Ali: Rebecca, you are out.

{We see Rudy and Danny tag team on Shay. What we don't know is that earlier Rudy has promised Shay to help her if they are the last two standing. But instead of knocking out Danny, he has picked Shay. The drama unfolds.}

Shay: Rudy, what are you doing?
Rudy: What I should have done a long time ago.
Shay: But why Rudy? WHY?
Rudy: He is my friend, Shay. Wouldn't you help your friend?
Shay: But you were my friend Rudy? Remember? Why don't you remember?
Rudy: Why are you screaming at me?
Rudy: I guess that just reflects your character.
Shay: What? What about my character?
Rudy: Your character is like school in the summer time. No class.
Shay: That doesn't make any sense.
Ali: Shay, you are out.

{Danny and Rudy finish out the game hand in hand. Rudy emerges victorious, gaining the immunity so many have sought. The contestants head back to the ranch.}

Liz: Tensions are high here at the ranch. Tensions are high.
Bob: What happened?
Rudy: I won immunity! Just like you wanted Bob!
Bob: Yes! Suck it Jillian!
Jillian: {from the other room} I can hear you, Bob!
Bob: Just kidding, Jillian! {laughs weakly} Alright y'all. Let's go fly around.

{Trapeze workout montage. After the workout, the contestants go back to the gym, where they are greeted by Jillian.}

Jillian: Did you have a fun time at the circus? Did you have fun on your TRAPEZE? Get in here and get on that treadmill. NOW!

{Contestants are shown killing themselves. Rudy rolls off the treadmill.}

Liz: I don't know how long we worked out, but when the work out was over, I was done.

{Camera opens on the weigh in. The drama is so thick and delicious, you could cut it with a knife.}

Ali: Who will the scale choose to be it's first victim? Will it be Rudy?
Rudy: Not me, Ali. I have immunity!
Ali: How about Shay?
Shay: I lost 17 pounds! No way I'm leaving!
Ali: Then how about Amanda?
Amanda: I only lost 5 pounds. Oh no!
Ali: Let's bring up your girlfriend.
Rebecca: I lost 10 pounds suckers! Sorry Amanda. Best friends?
Amanda: Best friends!
Ali: Danny, you are next.
Danny: 17 pounds! HOLLER! Just like Shay!
Ali: And you Allen. What say you and your one pound advantage?
Allen: 10 plus 1 is 11!
Ali: Things aren't looking good, Amanda.
Amanda: I KNOW!
Ali: Liz, you're up!
Liz: 12 pounds! SUCK IT KIDS! {does the Cabbage Patch}
Ali: Shay, that puts you BELOW the yellow line. BUM BUM BUM.
Shay: *gulp*
Ali: It's up to you Dan. If you don't lose 6 pounds, there is no room for third chances.
Dan: I've got this- oh. 5 pounds. Maybe not.
Ali: Dan, you are below the red line. This means you are not the Biggest Loser. {Ali pulls lever and Dan falls through trap door.} That means Shay and Amanda must arm wrestle for their chance to stay. Just kidding. Vote it out.

{Camera moves to the compound, showing the contestants in the waiting room. Shay and Amanda plead their cases.}

Shay: You all need to feel sorry for me. Have I mentioned I weigh the most?
Amanda: I AM CUTE! Look at how cute I'm getting!

{Morgan Freeman narrates over the elimination ceremony.}

Morgan Freeman: In the end, it was the beauty that won this round. Apparently, folks didn't like that Shay was getting too small for her britches. And they sent her home. But her memory will live on at the ranch forever.

THE END. {black out}


  1. Lori G. (VO): And the Emmy for best scriptwriting in a primetime comedy reality television show goes to....(drumroll then dramatic pause)...ALISON FOSTER!!!! Suck it, Tina Fey!