Tuesday, January 26, 2010

BL9- week 3- Mike's Dream Journal

Every week I try to find the most entertaining and non-boring way to share The Biggest Loser with my reading audience. I was struggling- this episode was chocked full of excitement, and I didn't want to write a blog that was 3,000 pages long. My inspiration came in the form of White team's Mike, who I saw writing in a spiral bound note book during the last chance workout. Light bulb!

Dear Diary,

It's your buddy Mike here! Fuggeditaboutit! I can't believe it's already week 3. So much has happened this week, diary. I feel you are the only person that I can talk to about it. Hopefully ma hasn't been reading you.

Okay, so the beginning of this week was wicked crazy. We walk outside and see Alison- sweet!- and then realize that something wild is about to happen. Our first temptation! I'm hoping it is a lasagna eating contest or a pizza eating contest. I know I would totally go Garfield on that. Unfortunately, it is not a lasagna eating contest.

Alison tells us that it is student teacher week here on the campus, and I'm nervous because I haven't been in school for a while. I hope this isn't trivia based! I stop thinking about what I hope it's not and try to pay attention while not looking at Alison's totally hot body. She explains that one person is the student and one person is the teacher- and that the teacher will be the personal trainer this week. No Bob and Jillian for the student! I'm totally bummed because I want to look at Jillian's totally hot body while I work out on my emerging six pack abs.

The temptation is then revealed- 2 mega huge troughs filled with M&M's! It looks like the perfect treat for all the hard work that I have done, and then realize that candy is bad. I should not want to eat this trough of candy.

Note to self: Candy is bad. Lasagna is also bad.

So, ma sends me up to the candy trough (her nose is still all messed up- for reals) and Alison tells us who ever wants to pick who's the student and who's the teacher has to eat the most candy. Oh my God! Why are they playing me like this? She says go, and I eat one 5 calorie piece. So does Shelly (who's daughter is so hot) and then we are the only people left in the contest. In the second round, I don't eat any- suck it!- and Shelly eats one and she and Ashley have to make up the teams.

I'm nervous. Ma is usually the boss (not Tony Danza- HA!) and I don't know how she would take it if I was in charge. I'm her little meatball! But Ashley must have noticed that I was undressing her with my eyes and not looking at her mom's boobs, because she made me the teacher and my mom the student! SCORE! Now I can still look at Jillian. Bonus.

So, here are the other student teacher teams:

Darrell (S) and Andrea (T)

John (S) and Stephanie (T)

Koli (S) and Sam (T)

Lance (S) and Melissa (T)

Daris (S) and Cheryl (T)

Miggy (S) and Migdalia (T)

Ashley (S) and Sherry (T)

So us teachers go to talk to Bob and Jillian and give them the 411, and Migdalia is looking so pissed off. I mean, I wouldn't want to cross her path because she might cut me. Jillian and Bob kept asking her what was up, but she wouldn't spill the beans. After Bob and Jillian did some serious Gossip Girl action about her, it was time for them to teach us to be trainers. Who would have ever thought that I would be a personal trainer? Not me, that's for sure.

While we are working out, I was watching Jillian and Migdalia go at it! It was kind of hot, but also kind of sad because Migdalia looks like she has some serious issues up in her pastrami. Jillian asks her if she is happy and Migdalia just shuts down and says she quits. WHAT? She just left the gym and Jillian ran after her- boy, does she look good going. I'm just saying!

Then us teachers get to take a little field trip to the Four Seasons to visit Curtis Stone. I don't see what the big deal is about him! I mean, yeah, he is tall and in very good shape and he has an accent and he can cook. Big whoop. All the ladies were going ga ga over him and I was like whatever. He showed us all these delicious platters of food and I about died! Caesar salad, fried macaroni, seafood pasta, gravy and biscuits and a death by chocolate for dessert! I was like, where do I get my bib and fork? Curtis said that this whole meal was 8,894 calories.

Note to self: Don't eat all that food. Even if you really want to.

Curtis taught us some tips about cooking, and I thought maybe I would cook ma some dinner later that night. Minus the death by chocolate.

The next day was our team challenge, and I was wicked excited. We get to spend time with Alison (bonus) and I get to spend time with my ma. Alison tells us that we have to take this ribbon and wrap it all over this playground real complicated like. I love games, so I was like bring it on! I was going to wrap up that playground deeper than a Chi town pizza! But I didn't know the rules, and didn't realize that my ma was going to have to undo all that wrapping with a blind fold on. I was so scared she was going to trip and break her nose again!

Needless to say, we did not win. Stupid Sam and Koli won- some business about Koli's dad taught him how to work with knots. Big friggin' whoop. Sam and Koli are always looking at me funny. They are a-holes. They won immunity and they get to switch one team's student and teacher. I have a feeling. . .

We are doing our last chance workout, and Bob and Jillian have to teach us how to give our teammates their last chance workout. I hate having to push ma so hard. Totally cool thing- during the workout Migdalia gets medieval on this heavy bag and she beats the crap out of it until the stuffing came out. Like I said, I wouldn't want to mess with her.

So I start training ma, and I want to let lose a little, so I try joking with some of the other teams. I can't help it! I am a comedian. Maybe after I'm done with the Biggest Loser I will try out for Last Comic Standing. I was so busy telling jokes, that maybe I didn't work as hard as I could. But I hear that laughter burns calories. So there.

At the weigh in, Koli and Sam tell Alison that they are going to switch me and ma and now I have to weigh in. They nag me about not working hard and I should be so lucky to be one of the contestants and now it's time to work. A holes. I wasn't surprised. I was going to show them!

Here's how everyone else did:

Sam and Koli- 11 pounds lost and 13 pounds lost

Migdalia and Miggy- 8 pounds lost and 7 pounds lost

Andrea and Darrell- 7 pounds lost and 12 pounds lost

Cheryl and Daris- 7 pounds lost and 9 pounds lost

Stephanie and John- 7 pounds lost and 14 pounds lost

Melissa and Lance - 1 pound lost (What? That's nuts!) and 12 pounds lost

Sherry and Ashley- 6 pounds lost and 12 pounds lost

Alison told me that when I weighed in I had to lose at least 13 pounds. Well, I lost 10 and ma lost 4. Which was good, but not good enough. Maybe Sam and Koli were right, but I wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of seeing me upset. I put on my totally sweet sweat band and talked to my ma and the rest of the group. Ma wanted to go home.

And everyone sent her home! I am finally free! Now I got to beat Sam and Koli. It's on, like Donkey Kong.

Thanks for listening, diary, Tonight I am going to dream about Jillian and I going on a date and eating that death by chocolate.



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