Wednesday, January 6, 2010

BL9- week 1- Meet the Losers

Number of mind bullets used: 1 (Cheryl)
Number of vomiting contestants: 4
Largest contestant: Mike at 526
Number of contestants sent home: 5 (yellow team, blue team, and half of brown)
Newest nickname: Texas (Lance)
How much Daris' hair weighs: 5 pounds
Quote of the week: "Are my abs showing?" Mike

After a brief holiday hiatus (long enough for the average American to INDULGE in all the badness) the Biggest Loser Couples is back for ANOTHER season.
9 seasons in 5 1/2 years. That's a lot of losers.

Bob and Jillian both are slack jawed and hungry: This new cast is bigger and fatter than ever before. What sort of torture do they have in store?

Well, first of all, the contestants have to introduce themselves to America and their communities by publicly weighing in in each of their home towns. It's not enough to be shirtless in front of Ali and your teammates. Now you have to show the mayor and your third grade teacher, too.

So, who is letting it all hang out?

Ardmore, OK residents Daris and his mother Cheryl meet at Daris' high school. Another Oklahoman- proof positive that my home state needs help. Daris' starting weight is 346. He announces it like he is at an AA meeting. Cheryl is 227.

Orlanda, FL natives and twins John and James meet in Orlando's square. (I wish it had been at Disney. How cool to have had a parade.) John is 484 and James is 485. I guess that's how you tell them apart. It was hard to hear that they had no idea how much they weighed because scales don't accommodate numbers that large.

Lafayette, CA's Stephanie and Patti, an overweight mother and daughter duo, meet in their backyard. Doesn't seem as fair, but whatever. Patti is 243, and Stephanie is 264.

Knoxville, TN shows mother and daughter Sherry and Ashley, dead ringers for season 7 Helen and her daughter. Ashley is 374 and Sherry is 218.

Ann Arbor, MI gives us Darrell and Andrea, a father and daughter team. Darrell bears a striking resemblance to Kenny Rogers. If Kenny Rogers had let himself get to 413. Andrea is no slouch at 298.

Houston, TX has cancer survivor Victoria and her daughter Cherita. Victoria weighs in at 277, Cherita at 358.

Permberton, NJ brings us sassy Latinas Miggy and Migdalia, mother and daughter at 240 and 265- "Yes we can," Miggy says.

Aspermont, TX gives us Melissa and Lance, husband and wife who have eaten themselves out of the equation. Melissa is 233 and Lance is 365. Melissa looks like Buck Wild from Flavor of Love. Seriously!

Rohnert Park, CA is home to Tongan cousins Koli and Sam, just like Season 7's Tongan duo. Koli is 403 and Sam is 372. They too want to inspire the Tongan culture to lose weight.

Minneapolis, MN gives us Sunshine and O'Neal, father and daughter. He has grown three times his original size since he and his wife got married, and now she has to help him put on his shoes. O'Neal is 389 and Sunshine is 275. It breaks your heart to see Sunshine cry at the results of the scale.

Chicago, IL gives us mother and son Maria and Mike, Italians that eat too much. Maria is 281, and her son Mike is the largest contestant at 526. Maria holds herself responsible like any mother would. Mike jokingly punches the scale, but you know he is dieing inside.

After we meet everyone, it's on to the ranch! Ali, looking svelter than usual, meets the stretch limos that pull up with the fatestants. They are all happy now, but as anyone who watches this show, if Ali is there you know that something is up.

A CHALLENGE! Everyone piles into the gym (no equipment, hmmm) to learn of their fate: They are competing in a 26.2 mile cycling tourney. The curtains part to reveal rows of stationary cycles that the contestants must collectively ride 26.2 miles on. The first 9 teams to finish will be in the house: The last two teams will be asked to leave the campus.

Ali points out that they are the sickest contestants ever before telling them to go. A harbinger of things to come? The cyclists pound it out, and we see sweat bouncing off the floor. No amount of towels will clean up this mess- maybe a tie in with Shamwow would be in order?

The green team of Miggy and Migdalia kick some serious ass while Mike gets his ass seriously kicked by the bike seat- uncomfortable.

Miggy and Migdalia pull it out before anyone else, and win immunity for the week. Sam and Koli are second, Andrea and Darrell are third, Cheryl and Daris are fourth. . .and then the blue team's Victoria starts going through some pain as she cycles, falling off her bike. Dr. H makes her stop, and puts her on a stretcher. It is so hard to watch her feel as if she has failed her daughter. The stuff good reality TV is made out of.

Pink team comes in fifth, then the red team in sixth, the white team in seventh, and the brown team in eighth. Will it be blue, yellow, or purple that makes it in the coveted last spot?

The purple team of Patti and Stephanie take the prize, leaving Sunshine, O'Neal, Victoria, and Cherita out in the proverbial cold.

TWIST. Bob and Jillian (hiding in the bushes, of course) stop the limos that are carting off blue and yellow and inform them they will be competing the first 30 days from home with Bob and Jillian's help. Then they will be pitted against each other, and whichever team loses the greatest amount of weight will get to come back to the ranch.

Shhh. Don't tell the other teams!

After a restful nights sleep, Bob and Jillian pull the fire alarm to get the contestants out of the house and into the gym. Luckily, there was no real emergency as the contestants SLOWLY meandered out of their bunks.

"Pain will begin now," says Maria of the white team. The count for the first workout is 4 contestants vomiting, 3 contestants screaming like they are giving birth, and 2 plugs: Wal-Mart and Brita. Sneaky sneaky Jillian.

If the trainers can't produce results, they can get the contestants to produce a lot of snot and sweat.

Cheryl of the orange team gets the first round of Jillian's mind bullets- and Cheryl turns into a screaming punching bad ass. Her son looked frightened- let's not let those curls turn white now!

The contestants then meet each other for reals to talk about why they are the weigh they are. Get it? Weigh? *cough*

The number one thing I kept hearing repeated was everyone was single, never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, never been kissed. I am surprised that eharmony wasn't a sponsor- opportunity!!! This is a sad bunch, friends. Their self esteem is GONE and they need to get it back, one pound at a time.

The contestants punish themselves during a grueling last chance workout, and only one person (Ashley) falls off the treadmill. Progress.

I think Bob has grown some serious Jillian cajones this season- no more Mr. Nice Guy! He screams and steps on them like the best. He does show his soft side again while talking to James- who is so big and physically challenged that he has to work out in the pool instead of the gym.

Then it is time for the second weigh in of the show- this time the way that we are all used to. One more player will be going home- that makes 5 count 'em 5 contestants leaving in the first episode!

Miggy and Migdalia: 13 and 16 pounds lost
Sam and Koli: 18 and 29 pounds lost
Daris and Cheryl: 29 and 14 pounds lost
Andrea and Darrell: 14 and 30 pounds lost
James and John: 23 and 23 pounds lost (twins!)
Melissa and Lance: 19 and 21 pounds lost
Stephanie and Patti: 18 and 23 pounds lost
Ashley and Sherry: 21 and 17 pounds lost
Mike and Maria: 34 and 13 pounds lost

The brown team's twins are below the yellow line, which makes a pickle for the other contestants. How do you chose between identical twins that you JUST met? And how do you know if you sent the right one home? John wants James to stay because of his knee issues. James says he can swim at home and wants John to stay.

Ultimately, James is sent home, and loses an amazing 100 pounds in two months off the ranch. Truly inspirational and proof to America that you DON'T have to be a contestant on this show to lose weight. If the will is great, so will the weight loss be.

So, the roller coaster is loaded and has left the station- hope you are strapped in, 'cause this season looks CRAZY.

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