Dear Diary, It's been a while, right? Last time I came to youse I had just said sayonara to Momma. So much has happened since that day, diary. I won immunity in a challenge that I danced to like Olivia Newton John (love her!). I got to compete in the Winter Olympics as a champion hospital bootie slippery board luger. I made a new best friend in Miggy, and if she wasn't already engaged . . .I might give some serious thought to thinking about the possibility of maybe tapping that.
But this week was a real challenge, diary. I think I may have been given an offer I couldn't refuse and now I have changed the way we are playing The Biggest Loser. Let me paint a picture for youse (wiggling lines like on TV that show we are going back into the not so distant past):
After we got home from the Olympics, we had a weigh in and that bitch Melissa got sent home (praise God) and Darrell and Cheryl were balancing lit torches on their heads to see who was going to go home. After 9 minutes of squatting (Holy Moses, I don't know if I could have ever done that) Darrell's torch fell off and it was real sad to see him go. Lotsa tears. I was glad that Daris still had his mom here and it made me miss my mom.
The next morning I could smell the delicious calling card of one of my fave treats- chocolate chip cookies- wafting through the house. Wassamatta with the people running this show? We gots a ton of fatties, right? Trying to lose weight and do the right thing and they throw a temptation challenge at us involving mountains of cookies!?! Like the troughs of M & M's at the last temptation challenge, I knew that the mountains of cookies on the tables was no good.
We meet Ali, looking super fine as usual, and she tells us the rules of the temptation: Whoever participates and wins gets to decide who is on the Blue team and who is on the Black team. We are back on teams! Right on. The catch? The game involves eating cookies any time you lose a turn. Each cookie is 100 calories. Okay. . .I thinks to myself I can blink and burn 100 calories. What else? The game is like Memory, which I used to play with my moms, and you have to match the foods behind each window. If you make a match, the people you are playing against have to eat the matched food. If you don't make the match, you eat a cookie. What you are trying to find are two golden tickets! Like Willy Wonka! Can you imagine if the Biggest Loser ranch was made out of chocolate? If you find the tickets, you are in control of who gets on what team, with which trainer, and you get to chose the one person who gets immunity.
Sounds easy enough.
Ali asks who wants to participate, and everyone looks scared like the last temptation challenge. I knew that if Melissa was still here she would TOTALLY play. She lives for this stuff. I raised my hand 'cause HELLO! We are playing a game here! And then 'Drea raises her hand! BAM. It's on. We are two single kids, free from our parents, ready to engage in some adult like Memory game activity.
First off, I would like to say in my humble opinion that if the show wants us to lose weight they shouldn't give us challenges that involve eating a buncha crap. Why can't the challenge be who can eat the most bananas or who can put the most apples in their mouth at one time? The game wasn't like that, though. Lemme tell youse, I got real sick from playing this game. REAL sick.
The first couple of tries 'Drea and I revealed some of the foods, but no matches. We were munching away on cookies, trying to find the golden tickets, when 'Drea finds the first match: a peanut butter cup at 80 calories. Luckily, I love peanut butter cups. Then 'Drea finds the second match: a blueberry muffin at 360 calories. Ugh, muffins. Then she finds the third match: a giant pretzel at 340 calories. My stomach is starting to gurgle. And then she finds the fourth match: a fruit pie at 480 calories. I'm turning white and starting to sweat.
Then 'Drea finds half of the golden ticket! Am I screwed? NO! She doesn't find the other half! I get in there, matching a pb and j for 'Drea. Then she matches a Rice Krispy Treat for me at 90 calories, and then she finds a glazed donut at 160 calories. BOB IS GOING TO KILL ME. Her next match fails, giving me the in. I find the other half of the golden ticket and BAM! I WIN!!!
I only had to eat 2,310 calories and victory was mine! I did a little dance and puked in my mouth, just a little.
I now have control of the fate of the players! HA HA HA HA HA HA! I totally know what I am going to do. I'm not here to make friends- I am here to get to the end of the game and win that cool quarter of a mill. For the first time in my life it's all about the Mike.
I sat with you diary, and wrote out all the pros and cons of who was going to be on each team. Then it was time to meet back up with Ali (looking hot!) and reveal my decision.
Sam: Black team
Koli: Blue team
YEAH! Call me lazy and you get your team split up! I told them I thought they would work harder if they were on two different teams and I could tell that Koli was SO PISSED. Hee hee.
Cheryl: Black team
Daris: Blue team
I realized after I separated them that I split up a mother and son and that pained me, but oh well.
'Drea: Black team (even though she wanted to be with Bob)
Lance: Blue team ('cause he's my buddy)
Stephanie: Black team
Miggy: Blue team (my best friend- holler!)
Sherry: Black team
Sunshine: Blue team
Ashley: Black team
And lastly, I gave immunity to O'Neal 'cause he is totally old and I took the last blue shirt. I am on the totally rockinest team EVER! We gots all the fatties over here, and all the little women on that side with Sam! And that's what happens when you mess with the Mike.
Then Bob and Jillian came in and Jillian LOSES HER MIND. She tells me that this is the most unfair scenario possible and I say I didn't make the game! Right, Bob? You told me to look out for myself! And Bob makes a face like, "Did I say that? I said that, didn't I?" and I am like duh! And then it is time to work out. I know Jillian is mad at me, but she is so hot when she is mad.
During the workout, Bob starts calling me cookie because of all the cookies I ate. Bob. What a card.
That night at dinner, no one would sit next to me. I sat there drinking my tea and listening to everyone whispering about what a jerk I am. At least Miggy sat with me, and we discussed a little strategy. I told her, I says "You don't put up a good weight, you're going. You're of no use to me!" and Miggy looked a little pissed. Actually, I couldn't tell, she always looks pissed.
The next day it is time for the first blue vs. black challenge! Ali tells us we will be pulling these huge banners up the side of a building and if we win we get letters from home! I knew we were going to win with all the super strong guys we have on our team. We grunted, we groaned, we screamed, and we sweated.
AND WE WON! Oh, it is so awesome being on a winning team! Nothing can stop us! I read a letter from my best friend Francesca who put in a picture of me when I was my thinnest at 301 pounds- the good old days. I was an Italian stallion. I heard the black team crying about losing, and Sam says, "If we want letters we can work for the post office." What a chump.
The last chance workout was super hard because the black team was really giving it their all. There is no way they are going to win, though. Right?
So, the weigh in. I was nervous and I was totally about to pee my pants.
O'Neal: From 325 lbs to 316 lbs- 9 lbs lost
Me: From 432 lbs to 417 lbs- 15 lbs lost WOO! I beat Rudy and lost over 100 pounds!!!!
Sunshine: From 239 lbs to 232 lbs- 7 lbs lost
Lance: From 305 lbs to 300 lbs- 5 lbs lost
Miggy: From 199 lbs to 195 lbs- 4 lbs lost
Daris: From 274 lbs to 267 lbs- 7 lbs lost
Koli: From 326 lbs to 316 lbs- 10 lbs lost
Blue team lost 48 lbs total and 2.70% body fat
Then it was time for the Black team to weigh in. They need to lose more than 39 lbs to beat us, and at first I am pretty confident, but those little numbers add up. . .
'Drea: From 255 lbs to 250 lbs- 5 lbs lost
Cheryl: From 191 lbs to 187 lbs- 4 lbs lost
Sherry: From 177 lbs to 171 lbs- 6 lbs lost
Sam: From 298 lbs to 290 lbs- 8 lbs lost
Stephanie: From 221 lbs to 213 lbs- 8 lbs lost
Ashley: From 311 lbs to 301 lbs- 10 lbs lost
Black team lost 41 lbs total and 2.82% body fat. Meaning they beat us. Oh, crap.
Lucky for me, I had the highest percentage of body weight lost, so I was immune. And now O'Neal is on our team and with Sunshine, so I guess that is a silver lining. But what happened at the elimination ceremony was a real bummer.
It wasn't supposed to be us- it shouldn't have been us! But it was. And we had to get rid of the weakest person, and that was Miggy. I wanted it to be Lance 'cause honestly? He freaks me out a little bit. And Miggy could knife me. But I said goodbye to my best friend and mom replacement.
So, right now I am the most unpopular guy on campus. Everyone is mad at me. I think I'm going to try to find those cookies. . .
Peace,
Mike
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