BL9- week 7- Mike's Dream Journal

Dear Diary,

It's been a while, right? Last time I came to youse I had just said sayonara to Momma. So much has happened since that day, diary. I won immunity in a challenge that I danced to like Olivia Newton John (love her!). I got to compete in the Winter Olympics as a champion hospital bootie slippery board luger. I made a new best friend in Miggy, and if she wasn't already engaged . . .I might give some serious thought to thinking about the possibility of maybe tapping that.

But this week was a real challenge, diary. I think I may have been given an offer I couldn't refuse and now I have changed the way we are playing The Biggest Loser. Let me paint a picture for youse (wiggling lines like on TV that show we are going back into the not so distant past):

After we got home from the Olympics, we had a weigh in and that bitch Melissa got sent home (praise God) and Darrell and Cheryl were balancing lit torches on their heads to see who was going to go home. After 9 minutes of squatting (Holy Moses, I don't know if I could have ever done that) Darrell's torch fell off and it was real sad to see him go. Lotsa tears. I was glad that Daris still had his mom here and it made me miss my mom.

The next morning I could smell the delicious calling card of one of my fave treats- chocolate chip cookies- wafting through the house. Wassamatta with the people running this show? We gots a ton of fatties, right? Trying to lose weight and do the right thing and they throw a temptation challenge at us involving mountains of cookies!?! Like the troughs of M & M's at the last temptation challenge, I knew that the mountains of cookies on the tables was no good.

We meet Ali, looking super fine as usual, and she tells us the rules of the temptation: Whoever participates and wins gets to decide who is on the Blue team and who is on the Black team. We are back on teams! Right on. The catch? The game involves eating cookies any time you lose a turn. Each cookie is 100 calories. Okay. . .I thinks to myself I can blink and burn 100 calories. What else? The game is like Memory, which I used to play with my moms, and you have to match the foods behind each window. If you make a match, the people you are playing against have to eat the matched food. If you don't make the match, you eat a cookie. What you are trying to find are two golden tickets! Like Willy Wonka! Can you imagine if the Biggest Loser ranch was made out of chocolate? If you find the tickets, you are in control of who gets on what team, with which trainer, and you get to chose the one person who gets immunity.

Sounds easy enough.

Ali asks who wants to participate, and everyone looks scared like the last temptation challenge. I knew that if Melissa was still here she would TOTALLY play. She lives for this stuff. I raised my hand 'cause HELLO! We are playing a game here! And then 'Drea raises her hand! BAM. It's on. We are two single kids, free from our parents, ready to engage in some adult like Memory game activity.

First off, I would like to say in my humble opinion that if the show wants us to lose weight they shouldn't give us challenges that involve eating a buncha crap. Why can't the challenge be who can eat the most bananas or who can put the most apples in their mouth at one time? The game wasn't like that, though. Lemme tell youse, I got real sick from playing this game. REAL sick.

The first couple of tries 'Drea and I revealed some of the foods, but no matches. We were munching away on cookies, trying to find the golden tickets, when 'Drea finds the first match: a peanut butter cup at 80 calories. Luckily, I love peanut butter cups. Then 'Drea finds the second match: a blueberry muffin at 360 calories. Ugh, muffins. Then she finds the third match: a giant pretzel at 340 calories. My stomach is starting to gurgle. And then she finds the fourth match: a fruit pie at 480 calories. I'm turning white and starting to sweat.

Then 'Drea finds half of the golden ticket! Am I screwed? NO! She doesn't find the other half! I get in there, matching a pb and j for 'Drea. Then she matches a Rice Krispy Treat for me at 90 calories, and then she finds a glazed donut at 160 calories. BOB IS GOING TO KILL ME. Her next match fails, giving me the in. I find the other half of the golden ticket and BAM! I WIN!!!

I only had to eat 2,310 calories and victory was mine! I did a little dance and puked in my mouth, just a little.

I now have control of the fate of the players! HA HA HA HA HA HA! I totally know what I am going to do. I'm not here to make friends- I am here to get to the end of the game and win that cool quarter of a mill. For the first time in my life it's all about the Mike.

I sat with you diary, and wrote out all the pros and cons of who was going to be on each team. Then it was time to meet back up with Ali (looking hot!) and reveal my decision.

Sam: Black team

Koli: Blue team

YEAH! Call me lazy and you get your team split up! I told them I thought they would work harder if they were on two different teams and I could tell that Koli was SO PISSED. Hee hee.

Cheryl: Black team

Daris: Blue team

I realized after I separated them that I split up a mother and son and that pained me, but oh well.

'Drea: Black team (even though she wanted to be with Bob)

Lance: Blue team ('cause he's my buddy)

Stephanie: Black team

Miggy: Blue team (my best friend- holler!)

Sherry: Black team

Sunshine: Blue team

Ashley: Black team

And lastly, I gave immunity to O'Neal 'cause he is totally old and I took the last blue shirt. I am on the totally rockinest team EVER! We gots all the fatties over here, and all the little women on that side with Sam! And that's what happens when you mess with the Mike.

Then Bob and Jillian came in and Jillian LOSES HER MIND. She tells me that this is the most unfair scenario possible and I say I didn't make the game! Right, Bob? You told me to look out for myself! And Bob makes a face like, "Did I say that? I said that, didn't I?" and I am like duh! And then it is time to work out. I know Jillian is mad at me, but she is so hot when she is mad.

During the workout, Bob starts calling me cookie because of all the cookies I ate. Bob. What a card.

That night at dinner, no one would sit next to me. I sat there drinking my tea and listening to everyone whispering about what a jerk I am. At least Miggy sat with me, and we discussed a little strategy. I told her, I says "You don't put up a good weight, you're going. You're of no use to me!" and Miggy looked a little pissed. Actually, I couldn't tell, she always looks pissed.

The next day it is time for the first blue vs. black challenge! Ali tells us we will be pulling these huge banners up the side of a building and if we win we get letters from home! I knew we were going to win with all the super strong guys we have on our team. We grunted, we groaned, we screamed, and we sweated.

AND WE WON! Oh, it is so awesome being on a winning team! Nothing can stop us! I read a letter from my best friend Francesca who put in a picture of me when I was my thinnest at 301 pounds- the good old days. I was an Italian stallion. I heard the black team crying about losing, and Sam says, "If we want letters we can work for the post office." What a chump.

The last chance workout was super hard because the black team was really giving it their all. There is no way they are going to win, though. Right?

So, the weigh in. I was nervous and I was totally about to pee my pants.

O'Neal: From 325 lbs to 316 lbs- 9 lbs lost

Me: From 432 lbs to 417 lbs- 15 lbs lost WOO! I beat Rudy and lost over 100 pounds!!!!

Sunshine: From 239 lbs to 232 lbs- 7 lbs lost

Lance: From 305 lbs to 300 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Miggy: From 199 lbs to 195 lbs- 4 lbs lost

Daris: From 274 lbs to 267 lbs- 7 lbs lost

Koli: From 326 lbs to 316 lbs- 10 lbs lost

Blue team lost 48 lbs total and 2.70% body fat

Then it was time for the Black team to weigh in. They need to lose more than 39 lbs to beat us, and at first I am pretty confident, but those little numbers add up. . .

'Drea: From 255 lbs to 250 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Cheryl: From 191 lbs to 187 lbs- 4 lbs lost

Sherry: From 177 lbs to 171 lbs- 6 lbs lost

Sam: From 298 lbs to 290 lbs- 8 lbs lost

Stephanie: From 221 lbs to 213 lbs- 8 lbs lost

Ashley: From 311 lbs to 301 lbs- 10 lbs lost

Black team lost 41 lbs total and 2.82% body fat. Meaning they beat us. Oh, crap.

Lucky for me, I had the highest percentage of body weight lost, so I was immune. And now O'Neal is on our team and with Sunshine, so I guess that is a silver lining. But what happened at the elimination ceremony was a real bummer.

It wasn't supposed to be us- it shouldn't have been us! But it was. And we had to get rid of the weakest person, and that was Miggy. I wanted it to be Lance 'cause honestly? He freaks me out a little bit. And Miggy could knife me. But I said goodbye to my best friend and mom replacement.

So, right now I am the most unpopular guy on campus. Everyone is mad at me. I think I'm going to try to find those cookies. . .

Peace,

Mike

BL9- week 3- Mike's Dream Journal

Every week I try to find the most entertaining and non-boring way to share The Biggest Loser with my reading audience. I was struggling- this episode was chocked full of excitement, and I didn't want to write a blog that was 3,000 pages long. My inspiration came in the form of White team's Mike, who I saw writing in a spiral bound note book during the last chance workout. Light bulb!

Dear Diary,

It's your buddy Mike here! Fuggeditaboutit! I can't believe it's already week 3. So much has happened this week, diary. I feel you are the only person that I can talk to about it. Hopefully ma hasn't been reading you.

Okay, so the beginning of this week was wicked crazy. We walk outside and see Alison- sweet!- and then realize that something wild is about to happen. Our first temptation! I'm hoping it is a lasagna eating contest or a pizza eating contest. I know I would totally go Garfield on that. Unfortunately, it is not a lasagna eating contest.

Alison tells us that it is student teacher week here on the campus, and I'm nervous because I haven't been in school for a while. I hope this isn't trivia based! I stop thinking about what I hope it's not and try to pay attention while not looking at Alison's totally hot body. She explains that one person is the student and one person is the teacher- and that the teacher will be the personal trainer this week. No Bob and Jillian for the student! I'm totally bummed because I want to look at Jillian's totally hot body while I work out on my emerging six pack abs.

The temptation is then revealed- 2 mega huge troughs filled with M&M's! It looks like the perfect treat for all the hard work that I have done, and then realize that candy is bad. I should not want to eat this trough of candy.

Note to self: Candy is bad. Lasagna is also bad.

So, ma sends me up to the candy trough (her nose is still all messed up- for reals) and Alison tells us who ever wants to pick who's the student and who's the teacher has to eat the most candy. Oh my God! Why are they playing me like this? She says go, and I eat one 5 calorie piece. So does Shelly (who's daughter is so hot) and then we are the only people left in the contest. In the second round, I don't eat any- suck it!- and Shelly eats one and she and Ashley have to make up the teams.

I'm nervous. Ma is usually the boss (not Tony Danza- HA!) and I don't know how she would take it if I was in charge. I'm her little meatball! But Ashley must have noticed that I was undressing her with my eyes and not looking at her mom's boobs, because she made me the teacher and my mom the student! SCORE! Now I can still look at Jillian. Bonus.

So, here are the other student teacher teams:

Darrell (S) and Andrea (T)

John (S) and Stephanie (T)

Koli (S) and Sam (T)

Lance (S) and Melissa (T)

Daris (S) and Cheryl (T)

Miggy (S) and Migdalia (T)

Ashley (S) and Sherry (T)

So us teachers go to talk to Bob and Jillian and give them the 411, and Migdalia is looking so pissed off. I mean, I wouldn't want to cross her path because she might cut me. Jillian and Bob kept asking her what was up, but she wouldn't spill the beans. After Bob and Jillian did some serious Gossip Girl action about her, it was time for them to teach us to be trainers. Who would have ever thought that I would be a personal trainer? Not me, that's for sure.

While we are working out, I was watching Jillian and Migdalia go at it! It was kind of hot, but also kind of sad because Migdalia looks like she has some serious issues up in her pastrami. Jillian asks her if she is happy and Migdalia just shuts down and says she quits. WHAT? She just left the gym and Jillian ran after her- boy, does she look good going. I'm just saying!

Then us teachers get to take a little field trip to the Four Seasons to visit Curtis Stone. I don't see what the big deal is about him! I mean, yeah, he is tall and in very good shape and he has an accent and he can cook. Big whoop. All the ladies were going ga ga over him and I was like whatever. He showed us all these delicious platters of food and I about died! Caesar salad, fried macaroni, seafood pasta, gravy and biscuits and a death by chocolate for dessert! I was like, where do I get my bib and fork? Curtis said that this whole meal was 8,894 calories.

Note to self: Don't eat all that food. Even if you really want to.

Curtis taught us some tips about cooking, and I thought maybe I would cook ma some dinner later that night. Minus the death by chocolate.

The next day was our team challenge, and I was wicked excited. We get to spend time with Alison (bonus) and I get to spend time with my ma. Alison tells us that we have to take this ribbon and wrap it all over this playground real complicated like. I love games, so I was like bring it on! I was going to wrap up that playground deeper than a Chi town pizza! But I didn't know the rules, and didn't realize that my ma was going to have to undo all that wrapping with a blind fold on. I was so scared she was going to trip and break her nose again!

Needless to say, we did not win. Stupid Sam and Koli won- some business about Koli's dad taught him how to work with knots. Big friggin' whoop. Sam and Koli are always looking at me funny. They are a-holes. They won immunity and they get to switch one team's student and teacher. I have a feeling. . .

We are doing our last chance workout, and Bob and Jillian have to teach us how to give our teammates their last chance workout. I hate having to push ma so hard. Totally cool thing- during the workout Migdalia gets medieval on this heavy bag and she beats the crap out of it until the stuffing came out. Like I said, I wouldn't want to mess with her.

So I start training ma, and I want to let lose a little, so I try joking with some of the other teams. I can't help it! I am a comedian. Maybe after I'm done with the Biggest Loser I will try out for Last Comic Standing. I was so busy telling jokes, that maybe I didn't work as hard as I could. But I hear that laughter burns calories. So there.

At the weigh in, Koli and Sam tell Alison that they are going to switch me and ma and now I have to weigh in. They nag me about not working hard and I should be so lucky to be one of the contestants and now it's time to work. A holes. I wasn't surprised. I was going to show them!

Here's how everyone else did:

Sam and Koli- 11 pounds lost and 13 pounds lost

Migdalia and Miggy- 8 pounds lost and 7 pounds lost

Andrea and Darrell- 7 pounds lost and 12 pounds lost

Cheryl and Daris- 7 pounds lost and 9 pounds lost

Stephanie and John- 7 pounds lost and 14 pounds lost

Melissa and Lance - 1 pound lost (What? That's nuts!) and 12 pounds lost

Sherry and Ashley- 6 pounds lost and 12 pounds lost

Alison told me that when I weighed in I had to lose at least 13 pounds. Well, I lost 10 and ma lost 4. Which was good, but not good enough. Maybe Sam and Koli were right, but I wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of seeing me upset. I put on my totally sweet sweat band and talked to my ma and the rest of the group. Ma wanted to go home.

And everyone sent her home! I am finally free! Now I got to beat Sam and Koli. It's on, like Donkey Kong.

Thanks for listening, diary, Tonight I am going to dream about Jillian and I going on a date and eating that death by chocolate.

Peace,

Mike