BL9- THE FINALE!- We have a new Loser!

Italian Stallion Mike is the new Biggest Loser! He went from over 500 pounds to a little over 200 pounds. He won my heart over the season with his charm and humor, and he was a good game player when the time was right (hear that, Koli and Melissa?) His decision to pack the Blue team with heavy hitters and all the ladies and Sam on the Black team kept him in the competition for weeks longer, giving him the time it took to catch up with the other smaller players.

The at home winner WAS Koli, but the contest for America's vote was won by my fellow Oklahoman Daris, who looked adorable and NOW has a girlfriend. Mission Accomplished!

Ashley looked amazing and actually beat Daris, and her mom Sherry almost beat every competitor for the at home prize. Everyone looked great- here's hoping that everyone keeps it off and we don't see Koli on a very special episode of the Biggest Loser two seasons from now. . .

To see all the amazing transformations, click on this link:
http://www.nbc.com/the-biggest-loser/photos/

BL9- week 18- LOST a ton of weight: THE FINAL FOUR

18 weeks ago, a group of strangers came together on an island (okay, a ranch) to meet with 2 opposing forces of light and dark (Bob and Jillian) to find the secret of the island (weight loss) and not let the Smoke Monster (weight gain) off of the island.

I can get anything to tie into Lost. I just can't let go!

I hope you like montages and flashbacks, because this episode was chocked full of them. The show may have run at under 45 minutes if the extra footage had been cut out.




MONTAGE ONE: The final four, striking poses in front of a screen that shows their individual journeys. Koli: Fat and alone. Ashley: Wants to get married. Daris: Fat kid walking. Mike: Life passing him by. Cut to Bob and Jillian riding the contestants both literally and figuratively. Curiously absent: Footage of Ashley falling off the treadmill.

Ali tells the Losers they will be leaving the ranch for thirty days, heading back home to try out "real" life, and then will return for a final weigh in BEFORE the FINAL weigh in.

Group hug.

MONTAGE TWO: The final four heads back to their homes in stretch limos. Koli: California. Ashley: Tennessee. Daris: Oklahoma. Mike: Chicago. It's time for homemade signs, fans, cheers, tears, and leis. Each contestant weighs in in public to show their families and friends how much weight they have lost since they have been on the ranch.

Daris: 151 pounds

Mike: 204 pounds

Ashley: 143 pounds

Koli: 172 pounds

Impressive numbers and even more impressive are the records that have been shattered. Mike is the first Loser to lose over 200 pounds on the ranch. Ashley has lost more weight than any other woman on the ranch. It is amazing that those two are the record holders, because in the beginning you would NEVER have thought they would have made it this far.

The cheering only lasts for so long before Ali pops up and tells the contestants they will be running in a marathon at the end of the thirty days. Time to start training!

The first week at home proves to be a challenge for all four contestants. They are assaulted by text messages, phone calls, social obligations, and the struggle to find the balance between the person they have become and the person that they were. Some solutions are easy, like substituting Jenni O turkey for regular beef in meatballs. Other solutions require moving from California to Las Vegas to train in your fortress of solitude. Right Koli? Ashley and Mike vow to run the marathon together and finish as a team, while Daris and Koli are lone wolves in their single guy wolf pack.

Daris takes a break from running long enough to meet Chef Curtis Stone at his local watering hole Budro's. It doesn't get more Oklahoma than Budro's. If we all remember, Curtis came to visit Danny in Oklahoma last season in Broken Arrow. He loves the 'Homa! I'm sure it reminds him of the outback. More like Outback Steakhouse. . .and it doesn't have as many dingos running about. He creates a healthy Daris section on the menu which includes a smoked trout dip. That is a far cry from chicken fried steak, my friends.

Koli has a mini meltdown at the bar with Sam and decides to pack up his knives and go. . .to Las Vegas. LAS VEGAS? Home of the all you can eat buffet? I would move to Montana or Wyoming. He is focused on the confetti cannons and can't see them over all the love and support and leis around his neck at home. He gots to go.

On the other side of the coin we see Daris drunk dialing his home video camera and eating his emotions with cereal and other 4 am treats. The 18 weeks away hasn't been long enough for Daris to reprogram his old "I don't have a girlfriend" mindset.

MONTAGE THREE: Bob and Jillian traveling via plane, train, and automobile to visit the final four. Jillian flies a chopper because Ardmore doesn't have an airport. Okay- this is true, but Ardmore really isn't THAT country. I swear. Bob is concerned about Koli regaining the weight after the finale. Jillian is concerned that Daris is internalizing. What they both agree on? They all need a good old fashioned ass kicking.

MONTAGE FOUR: Bob and Jillian working out each contestant in their respective gyms. The Losers remember what it feels like to get a beating.

MONTAGE FIVE: The contestants are gearing up to return to the ranch. They are feeling stressed out, sick, worried, nervous, etc. They are battling temptation left, right, and center. Will all their hard work show?

Then it is time for the marathon. The day begins cold and rainy, only to open up to sunny skies by the time they hit mile three.

MONTAGE SIX, SEVEN, and EIGHT: The marathon interspersed with clips of the contestants being fat and unhappy. Along the way we pick up Matt Hoover, season two winner, Sione from season seven, Ali Vincent, season four winner, and Mike Morelli from season seven. Ali and Mike look great and about the same as I remember, but Matt and Sione have gained a bit. That's got to be tough to know that you will forever be living under the scrutinizing eyes of the public . . .see Erik Chopin. Daris smokes everyone, finishing the race in 4 hours and 2 minutes. Koli finishes in 6 hours and 8 minutes, and Mike and Ashley finish together as promised at 6 hours and 26 minutes. Everyone wins $10,000 towards a charity of their choice.

Then it is time for the final weigh in before the FINAL weigh in.

Mike: From 322 lbs to 299 lbs- 23 lbs lost

Koli: From 231 lbs to 218 lbs- 13 lbs lost

Ashley: From 231 lbs to 213 lbs- 18 lbs lost

Daris: From 195 lbs to 197 lbs- 2 lbs GAINED

WHAT?!?! Daris has sabotaged himself with his late night cereal booty calls and Bob and Jillian call bullshit. My worse case scenario has emerged: Koli and Daris are in the bottom two and now must plead with America to put them in the top three with Ashley and Mike.

Me? I am TEAM DARIS all the way. We will see all the triumphs and tears at the finale. . .and may the best Loser win.

BL9- week 17- The Biggest Competitor

You all know how I feel about Loser Koli. I feel he has turned into one of the biggest game players of the season, even bigger than the wicked Melissa! Maybe he isn't quite to last season's Trazy status, but he is getting there.

Face it, folks. The sweet teddy bear Koli that joined the show is no longer. He is leaner and meaner.

After the elimination where Sam goes home, Mike thanks Ashley and Daris for saving him. Koli immediately meets with Sunshine, his only remaining ally, and starts trash talking the remaining contestants. I believe Sunshine uses the terms "stupid" and "delusional" to describe the others for voting off Sam. Koli is feeling "kocky" and says they should have eliminated Mike because he is the bigger threat. Koli knows that he is going to be #1 and Sunshine will be #2- and how accurate he ends up being!

Ali greets the contestants on the veranda and lets them know that there are no longer any alliances- only a red line. Whoever falls below the red line will be sent home immediately with no vote. It's every man for himself! Since it's the last week on the ranch, two former winners have come to speak to the Losers and check up on how they are feeling. Helen, season 7 winner (and a mom who didn't save her daughter from elimination), and Erik Chopin, season 3 winner who lost it all and almost gained all of it back have come to offer encouragement and support. They have been through it all before- and one of them is going through it again. The number one message they have is that it's not about the finish line and the confetti but the long term, life long journey of healthy weight management.

After the meetings, the Losers get to the gym and tell Bob and Jillian about all the latest buzz. Bob notices that there is some tension in the room and when he asks what is up, Koli has a mini-explosion. "There is no animosity here," he says, and when Daris mentions that Koli may be feeling sad about Sam going home he spits "Don't guess what I am feeling. Right now I don't give a f*%k. Sam's gone, whatever."

Reer! Hiss hiss!

Since the contestants are "frothing at the mouth for a beating", Jillian and Bob oblige, laying into them with some good old S & M: sweat and machines. Bob focuses his mind bullets on a sensitive Mike who breaks down old school style. Last week's makeover episode upset him because he still had to go to a specialty store for his clothes unlike the other guys that got to shop in a regular store. Bob reminds Mike to look at the big picture: Look at how far he has come! He has lost almost 200 pounds, made himself healthier, built more confidence! At the end of the day, the scale is just a number. It's the way that you feel about yourself that really counts. "It's all about you," Bob advises.

The challenge is one we have seen before on season 7: The contestants must carry their own weight metaphorically and literally in jumbo size lunch bags with their before pictures printed on them. They carry the weight over 16 hills, each one representing the weeks on the ranch. At each hill they drop off the weight that they lost that week. Whoever wins gets $10,000. It is great to watch the contestants see their real journey in such literal terms. Carrying all that weight on their bodies, and how unhealthy they really were is hammered home when hill after hill they can reach into their bags, pull out a huge chunk of weight, and just throw it on the ground.

Daris easily takes the lead, and sprints to the finish line. After winning, he turns around and helps Mike and Ashley who are struggling with their great burden. Sunshine and Koli also help after they finish, and everyone walks the finish line together. Ali announces that Daris can take the $10,000 or he can opt for a one pound advantage. He takes the one pound- CRAZY! I'd go for the money.

After the challenge, Bob takes the Losers out on a shopping spree that goes against almost everything he talks to Mike about earlier. They go to Wal-Mart since now they "don't have to go to specialty stores!" (What?) Then football star Tony Romo shows up and tells the contestants that it isn't all about them but about the team. Why do Bob and Jillian tell the contestants that it is just about them? This was the most confusing plug ever!!!

Then it was time for home movies with Bob and Jillian. This is my favorite part of the journey! I love when the contestants can watch how far they have come. And the best part is when their old heavier selves talk to their new selves. The number one piece of advice? Don't give up!

After a last chance workout montage and watching Ashley fall off the treadmill three times in one episode, it was time for the weigh in and the moment of truth.

Mike: From 334 lbs to 322 lbs- 12 lbs lost

Koli: From 244 lbs to 231 lbs- 13 lbs lost

Daris: From 205 lbs to 195 lbs- 10 lbs lost

Ashley: From 238 lbs to 231 lbs- 7 lbs lost

Sunshine: From 178 lbs to 176 lbs- 2 lbs lost

So Sunshine really was #2. 2 pounds, that is. She is below the red line and not the biggest loser. But she looks great! And she proved to herself that she was a winner.

The final four is Mike, Koli, Daris, and Ashley! Not exactly what I predicted (I would have like to see Koli get his comeuppance) but I am happy with the other three. Now the real game play begins!

BL9- week 16- Hair IS Important

We have made it to makeover week! WOO HOO! Thanks to Yahoo TV where I found all the great before and after photos!

Ali announces that the Losers will each get $1,000 in cash for clothes shopping and Jonathan Antin from Blow Out and Shear Genius will be doing their hair. NO TIM GUNN. I was totally bummed out. Jonathan gets on my nerves- so much crying!

The shopping was both exciting and sad to watch. Sunshine was almost too small for the clothes in the store she was shopping at, and Mike had to shop by himself at a plus size store. Shopping is always a mixed bag of emotions anyway. . .just imagine having to do it on national television!

Then it was time for the big reveal. Each contestant goes into 360 degree mirror (very What Not to Wear) to check out their hard work, and then they are greeted by friends or family that have been spying on them through the two way glass.

Sunshine looks like Beyonce! If O'Neal likes it maybe he'll put a ring on it.

Ashley is a hybrid Olivia Newton John in Grease and Dolly Parton. . .

Koli looks like an evil computer mastermind.

Sam seems a little under dressed. . .I'm sure the ladies don't mind.

Daris is a Jack Osbourne body double. He needs to borrow Koli's glasses.

HHEEYYY! Mike looks sassy!

It's a cool hip final six! They congregate in a harem to watch Ashanti in concert. ASHANTI? When was the last time she did anything? No offense, Ashanti. I thought maybe NBC would chose someone more relevant like Hanson or Smashmouth. . .

Then it's challenge time! All Loser's must climb the ladder to heaven over a swimming pool. First one in is a rotten egg, gaining a 1 pound disadvantage. Last one standing gets a 1 pound advantage. Ashley falls in after 3 minutes. Koli wins after 2 hours and 30 minutes.

At the Last Chance Workout Bob has to pump up a shaky Daris who is starting to lose faith in himself. And we see Ashley fall off the treadmill, and then Daris ALSO falls off the treadmill. Then the trainer tip is Jillian telling people to not run on the treadmill at speeds that may cause you to fall off. Classic.

THE WEIGH IN!

Koli: 259 lbs to 244 lbs- 15 lbs lost

Mike: 343 lbs to 334 lbs- 9 lbs lost

Daris: 214 lbs to 205 lbs- 9 lbs lost

Sunshine: 187 lbs to 178 lbs- 9 lbs lost

Sam: 240 lbs to 238 lbs- 2 lbs lost

Ashley: 248 lbs to 238 lbs- 10 lbs lost

Mike and Sam are in the bottom two, and after a tied vote in the elimination room, Sam goes home. He moves to LA with his "at home prize", former contestant Stephanie, and everyone lives happily ever after. Sam also is the first contestant to ever reach his goal weight while on the ranch. No game play necessary.

Next episode cautionary tale and former contestant Erik comes back to the ranch. Listen hard, Koli. . .

It's Not Only the Ladies Who Love Sam!

My boyfriend's brother participated in the Tour de Cure this weekend, raising money for diabetes. Ethan, his adorable little boy, got to meet someone special.

Jealous ladies?

BL9- week 15- Everything is Bigger in Texas! Really. Everything.

Victoria has no sooner said "Ciao Losers!" when Ali announces that the remaining contestants will be traveling deep in the cholesterol filled heart of Texas: Dallas to be precise. Their goal? To inspire a state that has 5 of the heaviest cities in the United States. Now, I looked up that statistic to try and verify it- I could find one article in Men's Fitness (Ali said Men's Health- here's that article, too.) that lists 4 of Texas' cities in it's top 25. Dallas is listed as #14 on Men's Fitness and #4 on Men's Health. (My hometown of Oklahoma City? #2- ouch! But it didn't make the Men's Health Top 10.) They must inspire Texans to get fit and manage to maintain their own fitness.

The Losers arrive in Dallas and go to local radio stations to get people to participate in a 5k "fun run" (tell me what's fun about running 3 miles!?!). They are looking good and feeling good, laying down nuggets of wisdom like it "feels good to feel good" and "little steps have big results".

After a quick trip to Walgreens with Jillian (weirdest plug yet!), everyone converges on the Cotton Bowl to get fired up about fitness. Ali announces a staggering fact: $10 billion is spent annually in Texas for obesity related health issues. HEAR THAT, JAMIE OLIVER? Season 2, baby. Texans need a boost, and the Losers are going to give it to them.

This is a truly inspiring episode- in fact, there should be an inspiration drinking game. The word inspiration was used so many times you would have been three sheets to the wind at the end of the fun run. That's a whole 'nother type of fun! But seriously, there were a lot of cool real life stories about Texans that were trying to change their lives without the help of the ranch. They all finished the race, but no one finished faster than Speedy Daris, who smoked everyone at 21:14 minutes. That's a 7 minute mile, people! Some ripples were made in the twitterverse about that. . .

After Sunshine finishes the race, she starts to sweat that she has been too long without her boyfriend/dad O'Neal, and turns around to find him. Holding back the panic, she turns into Sunshine-bot, saying preprogrammed sayings such as "Look good. Almost done. Finish strong." She finds her dad (and the bevy of ladies surrounding him) and latches on.

Quote of the episode goes to participant CJ, a woman who has two bum knees that managed to finish the race in over two hours. SHE DIDN'T GIVE UP! Upon completing the race, she says "I can't even walk through Wal-Mart. I have to take a cart." This proves that the Biggest Loser really does change lives. And inspires people. *drink*

Daris, Mike, and Ashley realizes that they are alone in the world and need to band together. I'll call them the POW's (pink, orange, and white- cute!). The POW's are hoping that the other teams are comfortable and will not try as hard while they run up 33 flights of stairs at their hotel. This feeling of teamwork extends into the next day's challenge.

The challenge involves wrestling steers into team colored pens. Whoever gets the most steers wins immunity! The grey team works together, Sam getting as many calves for Koli as he can. Sunshine wants O'Neal to get immunity, so she frightens as many calves into her dad's pen as she can. Daris, although doing pretty well for himself, realizes that he is all alone. So POW member Mike steps in to try and help . . .but the evil Koli wins immunity anyway. BOO.

The part of the episode that inspired *drink* me the most was when Jillian met with season 8 team member Abby at a local high school to discuss health and fitness. A large high school girl managed to get up enough courage to talk in front of all of her school and talk to Jillian- on national television! "I'm never going to to be who I want to be," she says. Jillian asks her why she would think that, and she says, "I've always been told that, so I've learned to believe it." I'm not made out of stone, folks. My heart really ached for her. In usual kick ass Jillian style, she replies "Don't let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do."

After the pep rally, Jillian sits with the girl and talks about bullying and whatnot. Jillian says the naysayers are never going to change. But that girl can. I really hope that NBC will follow up with her!

The Last Chance Workout is minus Sunshine and O'Neal, who have gone home for O'Neal's brother's funeral. That means extra punishment for the remaining losers, who take a BEATING. Even Bob has to keep himself from smacking a sassy Mike. Dramarama.

At the weigh in, the Losers shiver in anticipation and the cold (32 degrees!) to find out their fate:

Koli: From 260 lbs to 259 lbs- 1 lb lost (With his immunity, it was the ultimate game play move.)

Sam: From 246 lbs to 240 lbs- 6 lbs lost

Sunshine: From 191 lbs to 187 lbs- 4 lbs lost

O'Neal: From 270 lbs to 265 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Mike: From 358 lbs to 343 lbs- 15 lbs lost

Daris: From 219 lbs to 214 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Ashley: From 254 lbs to 248 lbs- 6 lbs lost

Sunshine weeps like she lost her best friend. At 24, I would hope she would be a little more detached from her dad, but I guess not. O'Neal lobbies for Sunshine to stay, and O'Neal is sent home. At the reveal he shows he has gone from 389 lbs to 250 lbs. He can tie his own shoes, walk up the stairs, fit in his car, participate in all aspects of his job, and his motorcycle doesn't groan under his weight anymore. He can now really live his life. If that isn't proof that this show is important, that it isn't all about looks, then I don't know what is. *drink*

Now next episode IS about looks- it's the makeover show! We have arrived! Watch out Daris' locks!

BL9- week 14- The Codependents

Web MD defines codependency as "unhealthy dependencies and repressed anger", and "to anesthetize the emotional pain, codependent adults try whatever makes them feel better -- alcohol, drugs, food, sex, gambling. They become addicted to relationships and will do anything to hold onto them, fearing the emotional abandonment that happened during childhood. They put aside what they want to please the other person, remaining in harmful situations far too long."

I define codependency as the weird relationships between Sam, Koli, Sunshine, and O'Neal.

Week 14 begins with Ali and a temptation. A food room has been created on campus that is filled with tables of crap and tables of good things. The strategy is for one person to eat the most calories in one day to get control of the week's only elimination vote. The players must eat every meal in the food room because the kitchen is closed. If you decide to play and eat the most calories you must not fall below the yellow line or you lose the vote.

Koli decides that skinny Sam must stay on the ranch and eats a WHOPPING 4,164 calories, resulting in many disgusting shots of Koli unhinging his jaw and swallowing chili dogs whole and gorging on donuts. Really gross stuff. He wins the temptation, and then goes to work it out in the gym, releasing many disgusting belches punctuated with a "Can you smell that America?"

KOLI IS GROSS! Sorry all my twitter girlfriends that drool over him every week! He is yuckity yuck YUCK.

Bob and Jillian meet the Losers in the gym the next day, and punish Koli for his eating, including Bob coining his new nickname "Chicken Wings". During the workout, O'Neal decides he wants to be more like his codependent brethren and does some crazy push ups to inspire himself. I think he sort of forgot that he is an older male. . .

Cut to the challenge, where the Losers must "lay a foundation" of "building blocks to reach goals" and see "how they stack up to the competition". In other words, putting blocks together to make a staircase to a ladder that must be climbed to retrieve a flag. Whoever captures the flag first, wins a one pound advantage. Loser gets a one pound disadvantage.

Daris climbs like a monkey to win, but in an unfortunate turn of events, O'Neal forgets he is a little old daddy and falls. He rehurts his knee and he and Sunshine his daughter/girlfriend go to the hospital. He wins a trip to the hospital and the one pound disadvantage. Koli vows to save O'Neal if he falls below the yellow line. Koli is now on watch for Sam, O'Neal, and of course Sunshine. If you are outside the circle of trust (that's you Ashley, Mike, Daris, and Vicky) you better watch your back!

Adding insult to injury, O'Neal's brother passes away from cancer. It is the worst week ever for O'Neal, and it might have been worse if NBC made him pay for the exercycle he destroyed or if he had punched Jillian in the face. (It almost became Losing It with O'Neal for a minute.)

The final weigh in has some surprising results:

Koli: From 270 lbs to 260 lbs- 10 lbs lost

Daris: From 226 lbs to 219 lbs- 7 lbs lost (plus 1 pound advantage)

Mike: From 363 lbs to 358 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Ashley: From 258 lbs to 254 lbs- 4 lbs lost

Sam: From 252 lbs to 246 lbs- 6 lbs lost

Vicky: From 267 lbs to 266 lbs- 1 lb lost

O'Neal: From 278 lbs to 270 lbs- 8 lbs lost (plus 1 pound disadvantage)

Sunshine: From 192 lbs to 191 lbs- 1 lb lost

It is between Sunshine and Vicky. Koli walks to the elimination room with a single tray, revealing Victoria's name. SURPRISE! She is not one of the Codependents, ya hear? He then slaps her with a "You've got to pick it up."

Vicky serves Koli, going from 358 to an impressive 240. And she didn't have to sell anyone out or eat a chili dog to get that.

BL9- week 13- See Drea Lose

See Drea and her dad Darrell.

See Drea cry.

See Drea run.

What you won't see? Drea lose. Because NBC and their awesome web page will only let you view photos on their site, no where else. So go to www.nbc.com and scroll through all the delightful rigmarole to find where Drea is now. Or click on this link for an exit interview.

(See Alison study for Ace exam and not have time for a full recap this week. See Alison say she is sorry.)

BL9- week 12- The Box

Melissa keeps saying that no one on the ranch is into game play, but that is not true. The producers of The Biggest Loser find new and exciting ways to get the Losers to play the game every week: It's up to the contestants to chose to play it our not. But the producers WANT them to play real bad.

Ali meets the Losers in the gym in front of a Staples Easy Button where she states, "Nothing comes easy." If a contestant chooses to push the button, someone they don't know will die, they will receive a brief case filled with $1,000,000, the button will be retrieved, reset, and given to someone else that doesn't know them.

Or that's the plot to the movie "The Box", which I also watched this week.

The BL9 button, when pushed, emits an ear piercing tornado siren, lights start flashing, and the walls of the gym peel back to reveal a scale. The player that chooses to weigh themselves after pushing the button must lose 2% of their body fat to win immunity. You need to be sure, because you only get one shot to push that button. Fall below the 2% and wah-wah. You suck.

Bob and Jillian arrive, the Losers tell them the complicated rules to the game, everyone pretends to know what's going on, and they work out. Jillian focuses on the yellow and glowing Sunshine who can do no wrong, while Bob descends into the red team's hell to focus on Melissa. Bob gives Melissa many platitudes about not playing the game, but the words seem to go in one ear and out the other. Melissa is out for blood.

Dr. H and his mullet stop by for a visit, telling the Losers that they need to lose the weight safely or there could be serious consequences. So, no over exercising in sweat suits after midnight, right?

Cut to Koli and Sam working out in the gym alone wearing heavy sweatsuits.

On Day 2, new girl Vicky decides she has reached her 6 pound target, and hits the button causing Melissa to exclaim, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE LONG ENOUGH!" Plus, Melissa wanted to hit the button first. Vicky only loses 3 pounds. Wah-wah.

Day 3 is the challenge, and we're going pool side! There are 1,000 1 pound weights in the bottom of the pool in corresponding team colors. Each person has 100 weights they are responsible for retrieving, 2 weights at a time. Once they have gotten all of their colors they can move on and help another team member if they like. Melissa must have had a sinking feeling right then.

Sunshine is the front runner, winning a 2 week trip for 2 to the Biggest Loser Resort. What everyone wants after they have been to the actual ranch and have already lost the weight. All the contestants pitched in after they retrieved all their weights and got Mike to beat Melissa. Melissa won a 1-pound disadvantage at the weigh in.

Button, button. Who'll push the button? Will it be Melissa? Or will it be Sam and Koli?

After a montage of hidden camera footage and late night workouts, Sam finally pushes it. When he weighs in, not only did he hit his goal of 6 pounds but exceeds it, losing 10 pounds and 3.82% of his body weight. Sam is immune!

"Argh. It should've been me," fumed Melissa. Now she has no immunity, no friends, and a one pound disadvantage. She played the game and it bit her on the ass, to paraphrase Bob.

At the last chance workout, Jillian takes Sunshine aside and tells her to break up with her dad. Sunshine meets with O'Neal and tells him that it's not him, it's her.

And so, the WEIGH IN. Sam has already been accounted for, so. . .

Koli: From 281 lbs to 276 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Daris: From 237 lbs to 233 lbs- 4 lbs lost

Mike: From 381 lbs to 372 lbs- 9 lbs lost

Ashley: From 271 lbs to 264 lbs- 7 lbs lost

Sunshine: From 202 lbs to 195 lbs- 7 lbs lost

O'Neal: From 291 lbs to 283 lbs- 8 lbs lost

Vicky: From 283 lbs to 272 lbs- 11 lbs lost

Drea: From 227 lbs to 225 lbs- 2 lbs lost

Melissa: From 178 lbs to 175 lbs- 3 lbs lost + 1 lb disadvantage

Drea and Melissa are below the yellow line. In a surprising turn of events we discover that Melissa is a LAWYER and she comes to plead her case in the Loser's Court. "I'm your fairy godmother," she promises, offering each contestant the chance to pick off their opponents one by one when they are in the bottom two with her week after week. The Losers tell her what time it is- and it isn't time for game play. Melissa gets all of the votes and is sent packing. . .again.

Somewhere Lance is shaving his goatee and crying.

BL9- week 11- Don't Call It a Comeback

Seriously.

The Biggest Loser producers must love spending money on travel. How many times have people left and comeback and left again this season? How many Brita water bottles can we put end to end to demonstrate the amount of miles logged?

Ali announces that the remaining contestants will be competing as SINGLES! No more teams. She also reveals that an eliminated player will be rejoining them on campus, and the previous players are shown standing on a platform with their stink faces on. Unfortunately for Melissa, this is a popularity contest: The Losers currently on the ranch will vote on who they want to return. "GOSH THAT'S CRAZY!!!" Melissa screams.

The eliminated contestants each weigh in and plead their case:

Darrell: From 413 lbs to 309 lbs- 104 lbs lost
"Iron sharpens iron."

Sherry: From 218 lbs to 156 lbs- 62 lbs lost
"You make me young!"

Miggy: From 218 lbs to 191 lbs- 49 lbs lost
"I don't know how to ask."

Victoria: From 358 lbs to 285 lbs- 73 lbs lost
"I've packed my bags three times."

Melissa: From 233 lbs to 182 lbs- 51 lbs lost
"It ain't time for friends."

Lance: From 365 lbs to 274 lbs- 91 lbs lost
"I don't know what my purpose is."

Cheryl: From 227 lbs to 176 lbs- 51 lbs lost
"Anything but to clean the kitchen."

John: From 484 lbs to 399 lbs- 85 lbs lost
"I need to help inspire more."

Patty: From 243 lbs to 197 lbs- 46 lbs lost
"For the first time it's been about me."

Maria: From 281 lbs to 224 lbs- 57 lbs lost
"I've worked really hard."

James: From 485 lbs to 413 lbs- 72 lbs lost
"I fought for my brother. Now it's my turn."

Cherita: From 277 lbs to 230 lbs- 47 lbs lost
"Allow my baby to stay."

"We're playing God," Andrea says. And on that note, the votes are cast:
Ashley: John
O'Neal: Victoria
Daris: Darrell
Stephanie: James
Sam: John
Koli: John
Sunshine: Victoria
Andrea: Victoria
Mike: Victoria

Victoria is staying! And we're done, right? I felt a huge but coming. . .

BUT. There is a challenge for the rest of the eliminated players. Another chance. Melissa starts to drool, "IT'S MY DESTINY!" And Miggy says, "I got this." We know about the bitter rivalry between Melissa and Miggy from previous episodes. Apparently time has not healed this wound.

Ali tells the players what the rules of the challenge are: They must go up and down on a step 1,000 times. Whoever reaches 1,000 first, wins. The winner stays on the ranch. Simple as that. The contestants begin steppin'.

The clear front runners are Melissa, Miggy, and Sherry. The other contestants, like John and James, are struggling. But Melissa is a "monster" according to husband Lance, and she quickly takes the lead, yelling, "I WANT BACK!"

After 25:55 minutes, Melissa takes the prize. Ali announces that Melissa and Victoria have immunity for the week, and everyone says goodbye. . .again. The competitors head back to the gym to meet with Bob and Jillian and reintroduce Melissa and Victoria into the game. "They gave Victoria a gift," Bob says. Yeah. The gift of $250,000!

As Bob and Jillian predicted, going into the singles has started the competitors showing their true colors. And not just the colors of their shirts. There is some MAJOR GAME PLAY a brewin'. And it doesn't involve Melissa this week. Koli of all people plants the seed with Ashley and Andrea that Stephanie threw the weigh in the week that Sherry was voted off. He even says he doesn't have concrete proof of this. MY OPINION? Koli thinks that Sam is being blinded from his goal of winning by his blossoming relationship with Stephanie. Maybe he is jealous. Whatever the reason, it's totally shady.

At the Last Chance Workout, Victoria gets her first schooling by Jillian, O'Neal learns to walk up the stairs by Bob, and Stephanie has a melt down. She tells Jillian she is scared of going home not on her own terms. Jillian tells her she has to stop trying to control the game.

Cut to Ashley confronting Stephanie about throwing the weigh in. Stephanie looks so crushed and hurt. Then Andrea says she doesn't believe it, either. They have each others' backs and all is well, right? RIGHT?

The final weigh in feels as shaky as the scale the losers are standing on:

Victoria: From 285 lbs to 283 lbs- 2 lbs lost

Melissa: From 182 lbs to 178 lbs- 4 lbs lost

O'Neal: From 295 lbs to 291 lbs- 4 lbs lost

Ashley: From 276 lbs to 271 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Mike: From 389 lbs to 381 lbs- 8 lbs lost

Koli: From 287 lbs to 281 lbs- 6 lbs lost

Andrea: From 232 lbs to 227 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Daris: From 244 lbs to 237 lbs- 7 lbs lost

Sam: From 264 lbs to 262 lbs- 2 lbs lost

Sunshine: From 208 lbs to 202 lbs- 6 lbs lost

Stephanie: From 199 lbs to 198 lbs- 1 lb lost

In a terrible twist of fate, Sam and Stephanie have fallen below the yellow line. Like Romeo and Juliet if they were on a weight loss reality show. Everyone votes for Stephanie, and Ashley realizes, "I betrayed a good friend." Hopefully this won't come back and bite her in the butt later.

At the reveal, Stephanie looks beautiful, smiling, and confident. She has lost 96 lbs! I hope she is a serious contender for the at home prize of $100,000. She and Sam could go on a serious vacation with that dough!

Next episode looks like more Melissa drama. . .stay tuned.

Oh yeah. Wayne lost 418 pounds. Go Wayne!

BL9- week 10- Home is Where the Bike Is

Sherry's chair is still cooling when Ali announces that all the Losers are going to be heading home for a full week. This is the week where the contestants get to be smack in the middle of the environment that got them where they were when they first arrived at the ranch.

I often wonder if the contestants returning home is like a heroin addict returning home to where they used to buy drugs. I am a big fan of the show "Intervention" and often see that the addicts move away from the city where all the trouble started because there are too many triggers. Is there a connection to food addiction like this? Anyhoo. . .

The music begins and there is a major packing montage (after a quick plug from Sunshine for her Tempur-pedic bed) and everyone jets off to see their friends and family. On their arrival, they are given huge wooden crates: Ashley asks, "Do I open it?". After they figure it out, all the contestants discover a stationary bike and a box full of cupcakes. They pop in the accompanying DVD and Ali tells the contestants that they will be competing in a 26.2 mile marathon on their bike at the same time as the other Losers for a cash prize of $10,000. Here's the rub: if they decide to partake of the 100 calorie cupcakes, each cupcake will add 5 additional minutes to any team member they choose.

Melissa's mouth begins to salivate. GAME PLAY in her own home? She immediately is on Lance like white on rice. Lance eats a whopping 17 cupcakes, 1,700 calories of game play. Most of the 'cakes go towards Sam, with some for Sunshine, Daris, and Stephanie. Mike eats 6 cupcakes for Sam and Stephanie, and Andrea eats 9 cupcakes. She just focuses on the blue team, right? NO. She eats some for Sam. HELLO? He is on your team! What a moron. Everyone else abstains because they want to fight fair.

Over the week, we see the Losers struggle at the gym without the help of Bob and Jillian and struggle to make the right choices when out to eat. Why does every restaurant they go to offer potato skins and ranch dressing? The most impressive moment is when Daris goes to his favorite watering hole and sings karaoke on national television completely sober. The Celebrity Fit Clubbers could learn something from him.

Then it is the day of the race, y'all. Nothing says excitement like watching a stationary bike marathon. I was on the edge of my seat watching the scenery not whiz past as they sweated and peddled their way to glory. So who won? After the cupcakes were tallied, the results:

9th: Stephanie (7 cakes)

8th: Sam (10 cakes)

7th: Andrea (5 cakes)

6th: Sunshine (6 cakes)

5th: Daris (4 cakes)

4th: Mike (0)

3rd: Ashley (0)

2nd: Lance (0) No one ate any cupcakes against Lance? That is nuts.

1st: KOLI (0)

Koli wins the cash prize and Lance and Melissa have to suck it.

Back at the ranch, Bob and Jillian learn about the week, the cupcakes, and the state of Mike's grandma (not well). "Life gets in the way," Bob says. The contestants have gotten a taste of what it will be like once they are home. Now it is time to remind them why they are here and punish them in a grueling Last Chance Workout. Ashley throws up two more times. Gross.

Bob can tell that something is not right with Lance (really?) and takes him aside to talk to him. Apparently, Lance feels guilty because Melissa is home alone with the kids and he is here. I'm sure she poisoned him and made him feel uber guilty about not winning. Bob tries to get Lance back in the game, but is it too late?

WEIGH IN:

O'Neal: From 302 lbs to 295 lbs- 7 lbs lost

Sunshine: From 216 lbs to 208 lbs- 8 lbs lost

Lance: From 282 lbs to 274 lbs- 8 lbs lost

Mike: From 397 lbs to 389 lbs- 8 lbs lost

Koli: From 297 lbs to 287 lbs- 10 lbs lost

Daris: From 248 lbs to 244 lbs- 4 lbs lost

Total Loss: 45 lbs- 2.58%

The black team needs to lose more than 26 pounds to stay away from elimination.

Andrea: From 238 lbs to 232 lbs- 6 lbs lost

Stephanie: From 208 lbs to 199 lbs- 9 lbs lost

Ashley: From 286 lbs to 276 lbs- 10 lbs lost

Sam: From 278 lbs to 264 lbs- 14 lbs lost

Total loss: 39 lbs- 3.86%

The black team wins! So, here I am thinking that Daris is probably going to be sent home with his tiny weight loss. In the deliberation room, everyone just talks to Mike because he is sad about his grandma. No mention of Daris. In the elimination room, everyone except for Lance votes for Lance. BOOM. Total surprise. I guess they didn't like Lance and Melissa either.

At home Lance has managed to lose 100 pounds, even with Melissa being his wife. I find it odd that Melissa is making Lance feel guilty about being on the ranch when the previews for the next episode show Melissa back again. It's okay for her but not for Lance? And didn't she say she couldn't lose weight at the ranch? WHAT IS YOUR DEAL, MELISSA MORGAN?!?

All will soon be revealed.

BL9- week 9- Grimm's Fatty Tales

Once upon a time, in the kingdom of California, there was a ranch nestled in a sun dappled valley where chubby men and women flocked for their opportunity to be less chubby. These people were known as the Losers, and they were adorned in colors of black and blue, dividing themselves into two teams that worked, ate, and played together for the chance to win money and lucrative book deals.

This chapter of the story brings us nine weeks into their weight loss journey. Sir Daris of Oklahoma has had to say goodbye to his mother, and after many tears and sitting in his room alone, the black teams and blue teams gather together with the Good Witch Ali to learn their fate.

"To change your body you must change your mind," Ali says, and tells the teams they must compete in a trivia challenge. "Answer three questions correctly, and you shall go to the spa! Answer incorrectly, however, and you will get thee to the kitchen and the gym for hours of cleaning." The black team puts up a vicious fight, but the blue team is victorious, and gets to ride in a black stretch limo to the 4 Seasons for much pampering and preening.

The black team spends their time scrubbing and mopping the kitchen and gym until they can see their tear stained faces reflected in all the surfaces. Sir Sam knows his wenches are disheartened, and gives them a speech on how strong they are as a team and how they musn't lose heart.

The Wicked Witch of the East, Jillian, and the Wicked Witch of the West, Bobilyn, meet with their crew to discuss their wins and losses, and to make them sweat and moan in the torture chamber (also known as a gym). Jillian notices one of her monkeys, Princess Ashley, is very sad because her mother, Queen Sherry, is the oldest person on their team and is all alone. Jillian takes Ashley to speak with her mother to tell her that she needs to be a big girl now and let her mother be free. Queen Sherry says, "You have the wings to fly and so do I."

On the other team, tragedy strikes. Sir Mike of Chicago gets some dreadful news: his grandmother has fallen ill. He packs a bag and goes over the river and through the woods to see her, avoiding any hungry wolves that might keep him from his quest, leaving is team unprotected and alone.

Later that morning, the two teams journey to far off Los Angeles to see Ali the Good Witch and the very handsome Prince Curtis Stone. The ladies swoon. Prince Curtis has a challenge for the teams: They must cook a delicious and nutritious three course meal fit for a king! The teams bustle about, choosing their twelve ingredients carefully. They serve good Prince Curtis and Ali the Good Witch their meals, and Prince Curtis decrees that the black teams meal is worthy of the five pound advantage at the weigh in later this week. There is much rejoicing.

When the teams return to the ranch, Wicked Witch Jillian says, "Hi Monkeys!" and learns of the black teams fate. A five pound advantage is very good indeed. Wicked Witch Bobilyn screams and stomps his feet, cursing the heavens and Prince Curtis Stone for this turn of events.

The only way to turn things around, Bobilyn decides, is the last chance workout. Bobilyn pushes his minions, making them lift many weights and travel through the tunnel of flesh to be victorious in the weigh in.

The black team, not to be outdone, has Jillian cry, "Back to beatings as usual!" Sir Sam turns into a beast, the wenches sweat and whimper, and all is left in the torture chamber.

Sir Mike returns from Chicago with news that his grandmother is very ill, but he pushed himself daily to keep himself healthy so his team would be victorious. Would they win the weigh in?

Ali the Good Witch meets them at the soothsaying weigh in devices of much sadness to find out their fates.

Andrea: From 243 lbs to 238 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Sam: From 286 lbs to 278 lbs- 8 lbs lost

Ashley: From 293 lbs to 286 lbs- 7 lbs lost

Sherry: From 166 lbs to 163 lbs- 3 lbs lost

Stephanie: From 210 lbs to 208 lbs- 2 lbs lost

Total weight lost: 30 lbs- 2.50%

The blue team must lose more than 45 pounds to win.

Lance: From 290 lbs to 282 lbs- 8 lbs lost

Daris: From 258 lbs to 248 lbs- 10 lbs lost

Koli: From 306 lbs to 297 lbs- 9 lbs lost

O'Neal: From 311 lbs to 302 lbs- 9 lbs lost

Sunshine: From 225 lbs to 216 lbs- 9 lbs lost

Mike: From 408 lbs to 397 lbs- 11 lbs lost

The blue team has won the challenge. "You are still six strong," says Ali the Good Witch. The Wicked Witch Bobilyn congratulates his team, while Wicked Witch Jillian holds her monkeys close, bidding one of them farewell.

In the dreaded elimination room, the black team decides that Queen Sherry must spread her wings and fly away, exiled back to the kingdom of Knoxville, Tennessee.

Two months pass. We see Queen Sherry, much lighter and much happier. "I can't wait to see what the next chapter of my life entails," she says.

The end.

BL9- week 8- "Bring Your Loser to Work" Week

I was conflicted on what to call this episode- the aforementioned title OR "O'Neal Rex" OR "Sunshine Complex". This episode was chocked full of the father/daughter relationship of O'Neal and Sunshine, the yellow team that came back with a vengeance after being sent home the first month of the competition.

O'Neal loves his daughter. A LOT. We start the episode with O'Neal nervously sitting at a table, waiting for the losing blue team to return from the elimination room. He knows that someone is going home and he is taking their place- but will it be Sunshine that is going home? Will he have to live in a world WITHOUT SUNSHINE!?!

"I'm about to explode like a volcano," he steams. One after the other the blue team trickles back into the room, and last but not least, Sunshine appears on the horizon. O'Neal slams the table with the palm of his hand and begins to weep. Sunshine, looking a little uncomfortable in front of her teammates, tells O'Neal, "Just calm down. Did you really think I was going home?" O'Neal must have thought that since Miggy was gone that they would naturally vote the other girl off the team. But not every girl is built like Sunshine.

Sunshine gives O'Neal his new blue team shirt, and he exclaims, "WOW! This blue shirt feels fabulous!", and then O'Neal starts to drop some mad wisdom on his new team. They call him Coach or Uncle, but I will call him THE GENERAL. He imparts these gems: "A man that lives in the past doesn't live at all," "We need to come together like a fist. . ." and "BEAT THE BLACK TEAM!" He is in control, and he loves it.

The next day the teams meet Ali on an airport runway for their weekly challenge. She reminds them that for the past 60 days that they have been on the ranch their only job has been to workout, eat right, and get fit. There have been no distractions, until this week. It is work week on The Biggest Loser!

This is a first for the show and I think a really important step. I hear so many people say that of course they could lose weight if they were on the ranch, but their real lives are far too complicated to allow that to happen. Other shows like Diet Tribe and even Celebrity Fit Club let the contestants lead their normal every day lives while learning the tools they need to lose weight. The success rate on BL would be higher if these techniques were incorporated, in my opinion. Not every contestant can be a stay-at-home mother or a personal trainer once the cameras stop rolling.

Ali explains that each contestant will work an 8 hour shift with a bus commute every day. They will have to pack their meals, and the gym will only be available for short periods before and after work. So 24 Hour Gym won't be 24 hours? They will be working for Feeding America, a food bank program. It will be a "long haul", so with no further ado, the challenge!

The teams will be hauling 33,000 pound semis down the tarmac. "I've always wanted to pull a semi!" Daris offers brightly. Five people will pull, and one person will run alongside the truck collecting puzzle pieces that will be assembled once the truck has reached it's final destination. The prize? Groceries for one year!

The deck has been stacked in the blue teams favor. Four big guys and Sunshine versus four little women and Sam. When Ali starts the race, the blue team's semi moves easily, and the black team can't get their semi to budge. Once it starts rolling, the black team catches up a bit when O'Neal is responsible for picking up the puzzle pieces for the blue team: his bum knee slows him down, and black team's Sherry easily closes the gap between the two teams.

The blue team screams and grunts to the finish line, and manages to put all their puzzle pieces together first. Blue team wins! "OHMYGODWEDIDIT!" screams Mike. "We wanted to mentally defeat the black team, "states Koli. Sam retorts, "The real show is the weigh in." It's now officially ON.

Back at the ranch, blue and black reveal to Bob and Jillian how the week is going to play out. Before heading to the gym, Bob pulls O'Neal and Sunshine aside to plug the Biggest Loser protein powder. Jillian tells her team to find "the eye of the tiger" while Bob's team needs to "bust their ass". After the workout, Sam gives his team a speech about sports, and the women look a little glazed over. Something tells me they weren't athletes in their previous lives.

The cameras track the teams day after day as they wake up, work out, ride the bus, clock into work, eat lunch (even in the work day still time for that Subway plug, courtesy of Sam and Stephanie, the new "it" couple), ride the bus, work out, and go to bed. Some interesting moments came out of the week: We see Sherry and Cheryl and their kookie Lucy and Ethel friendship, Mike claiming during inventory that "I don't consider myself the most smartest person," and we are introduced to Steve, an overweight Food Bank inventory clerk and possible BL10 contestant? He comes in to meet the Losers on a lunch break and asks them for words of hope and advice. All of them see themselves in him, and offer words of encouragement and hugs.

After a week full of montages and corny music, it is time for the last chance workout and the weigh in. Before the weigh in, though, we have more Sunshine and O'Neal time. We are shown old family photos of a thinner O'Neal, a man who was a football player and military man, a man who didn't allow his boys to eat junk food, but allowed his only daughter to eat it. And he would eat it too. And together they gained weight, bonding over food. This week is the first week O'Neal doesn't have immunity. Will he be able to come through? Or will the black team and their new slogan, "Little Axe, Big Tree!" prevail?

At the weigh in, the blue team weighs in first:

O'Neal: From 316 lbs to 311 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Sunshine: From 232 lbs to 225 lbs- 7 lbs lost

Mike: From 417 lbs to 408 lbs- 9 lbs lost

Koli: From 316 lbs to 306 lbs- 10 lbs lost

Daris: From 267 lbs to 258 lbs- 9 lbs lost

Lance: From 300 lbs to 290 lbs- 10 lbs lost

Total weight lost: 50 lbs- 2.71%

The black team will have to lose more than 38 pounds to beat them.

Andrea: From 250 lbs to 243 lbs- 7 lbs lost

Ashley: From 301 lbs to 293 lbs- 8 lbs lost

Cheryl: From 187 lbs to 182 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Sherry: From 171 lbs to 166 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Stephanie: From 213 lbs to 210 lbs- 3 lbs lost

Sam: From 290 lbs to 286 lbs- 4 lbs lost

Total weight loss: 32 lbs- 2.27%

The black team couldn't pull out the numbers they needed, and they head to the elimination room. Cheryl and Sam are the lowest numbers, and they say goodbye to their old partners on the blue team. In the elimination room, Cheryl is chosen to leave and she heads back to Oklahoma.

At her reveal, Cheryl looks great! She is cute and fit and kicking ass, going from 227 lbs to 164 lbs.

The next episode promises to be explosive! Nobody puts Jillian in a corner- NOBODY. . .

BL9- week 7- Mike's Dream Journal

Dear Diary,

It's been a while, right? Last time I came to youse I had just said sayonara to Momma. So much has happened since that day, diary. I won immunity in a challenge that I danced to like Olivia Newton John (love her!). I got to compete in the Winter Olympics as a champion hospital bootie slippery board luger. I made a new best friend in Miggy, and if she wasn't already engaged . . .I might give some serious thought to thinking about the possibility of maybe tapping that.

But this week was a real challenge, diary. I think I may have been given an offer I couldn't refuse and now I have changed the way we are playing The Biggest Loser. Let me paint a picture for youse (wiggling lines like on TV that show we are going back into the not so distant past):

After we got home from the Olympics, we had a weigh in and that bitch Melissa got sent home (praise God) and Darrell and Cheryl were balancing lit torches on their heads to see who was going to go home. After 9 minutes of squatting (Holy Moses, I don't know if I could have ever done that) Darrell's torch fell off and it was real sad to see him go. Lotsa tears. I was glad that Daris still had his mom here and it made me miss my mom.

The next morning I could smell the delicious calling card of one of my fave treats- chocolate chip cookies- wafting through the house. Wassamatta with the people running this show? We gots a ton of fatties, right? Trying to lose weight and do the right thing and they throw a temptation challenge at us involving mountains of cookies!?! Like the troughs of M & M's at the last temptation challenge, I knew that the mountains of cookies on the tables was no good.

We meet Ali, looking super fine as usual, and she tells us the rules of the temptation: Whoever participates and wins gets to decide who is on the Blue team and who is on the Black team. We are back on teams! Right on. The catch? The game involves eating cookies any time you lose a turn. Each cookie is 100 calories. Okay. . .I thinks to myself I can blink and burn 100 calories. What else? The game is like Memory, which I used to play with my moms, and you have to match the foods behind each window. If you make a match, the people you are playing against have to eat the matched food. If you don't make the match, you eat a cookie. What you are trying to find are two golden tickets! Like Willy Wonka! Can you imagine if the Biggest Loser ranch was made out of chocolate? If you find the tickets, you are in control of who gets on what team, with which trainer, and you get to chose the one person who gets immunity.

Sounds easy enough.

Ali asks who wants to participate, and everyone looks scared like the last temptation challenge. I knew that if Melissa was still here she would TOTALLY play. She lives for this stuff. I raised my hand 'cause HELLO! We are playing a game here! And then 'Drea raises her hand! BAM. It's on. We are two single kids, free from our parents, ready to engage in some adult like Memory game activity.

First off, I would like to say in my humble opinion that if the show wants us to lose weight they shouldn't give us challenges that involve eating a buncha crap. Why can't the challenge be who can eat the most bananas or who can put the most apples in their mouth at one time? The game wasn't like that, though. Lemme tell youse, I got real sick from playing this game. REAL sick.

The first couple of tries 'Drea and I revealed some of the foods, but no matches. We were munching away on cookies, trying to find the golden tickets, when 'Drea finds the first match: a peanut butter cup at 80 calories. Luckily, I love peanut butter cups. Then 'Drea finds the second match: a blueberry muffin at 360 calories. Ugh, muffins. Then she finds the third match: a giant pretzel at 340 calories. My stomach is starting to gurgle. And then she finds the fourth match: a fruit pie at 480 calories. I'm turning white and starting to sweat.

Then 'Drea finds half of the golden ticket! Am I screwed? NO! She doesn't find the other half! I get in there, matching a pb and j for 'Drea. Then she matches a Rice Krispy Treat for me at 90 calories, and then she finds a glazed donut at 160 calories. BOB IS GOING TO KILL ME. Her next match fails, giving me the in. I find the other half of the golden ticket and BAM! I WIN!!!

I only had to eat 2,310 calories and victory was mine! I did a little dance and puked in my mouth, just a little.

I now have control of the fate of the players! HA HA HA HA HA HA! I totally know what I am going to do. I'm not here to make friends- I am here to get to the end of the game and win that cool quarter of a mill. For the first time in my life it's all about the Mike.

I sat with you diary, and wrote out all the pros and cons of who was going to be on each team. Then it was time to meet back up with Ali (looking hot!) and reveal my decision.

Sam: Black team

Koli: Blue team

YEAH! Call me lazy and you get your team split up! I told them I thought they would work harder if they were on two different teams and I could tell that Koli was SO PISSED. Hee hee.

Cheryl: Black team

Daris: Blue team

I realized after I separated them that I split up a mother and son and that pained me, but oh well.

'Drea: Black team (even though she wanted to be with Bob)

Lance: Blue team ('cause he's my buddy)

Stephanie: Black team

Miggy: Blue team (my best friend- holler!)

Sherry: Black team

Sunshine: Blue team

Ashley: Black team

And lastly, I gave immunity to O'Neal 'cause he is totally old and I took the last blue shirt. I am on the totally rockinest team EVER! We gots all the fatties over here, and all the little women on that side with Sam! And that's what happens when you mess with the Mike.

Then Bob and Jillian came in and Jillian LOSES HER MIND. She tells me that this is the most unfair scenario possible and I say I didn't make the game! Right, Bob? You told me to look out for myself! And Bob makes a face like, "Did I say that? I said that, didn't I?" and I am like duh! And then it is time to work out. I know Jillian is mad at me, but she is so hot when she is mad.

During the workout, Bob starts calling me cookie because of all the cookies I ate. Bob. What a card.

That night at dinner, no one would sit next to me. I sat there drinking my tea and listening to everyone whispering about what a jerk I am. At least Miggy sat with me, and we discussed a little strategy. I told her, I says "You don't put up a good weight, you're going. You're of no use to me!" and Miggy looked a little pissed. Actually, I couldn't tell, she always looks pissed.

The next day it is time for the first blue vs. black challenge! Ali tells us we will be pulling these huge banners up the side of a building and if we win we get letters from home! I knew we were going to win with all the super strong guys we have on our team. We grunted, we groaned, we screamed, and we sweated.

AND WE WON! Oh, it is so awesome being on a winning team! Nothing can stop us! I read a letter from my best friend Francesca who put in a picture of me when I was my thinnest at 301 pounds- the good old days. I was an Italian stallion. I heard the black team crying about losing, and Sam says, "If we want letters we can work for the post office." What a chump.

The last chance workout was super hard because the black team was really giving it their all. There is no way they are going to win, though. Right?

So, the weigh in. I was nervous and I was totally about to pee my pants.

O'Neal: From 325 lbs to 316 lbs- 9 lbs lost

Me: From 432 lbs to 417 lbs- 15 lbs lost WOO! I beat Rudy and lost over 100 pounds!!!!

Sunshine: From 239 lbs to 232 lbs- 7 lbs lost

Lance: From 305 lbs to 300 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Miggy: From 199 lbs to 195 lbs- 4 lbs lost

Daris: From 274 lbs to 267 lbs- 7 lbs lost

Koli: From 326 lbs to 316 lbs- 10 lbs lost

Blue team lost 48 lbs total and 2.70% body fat

Then it was time for the Black team to weigh in. They need to lose more than 39 lbs to beat us, and at first I am pretty confident, but those little numbers add up. . .

'Drea: From 255 lbs to 250 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Cheryl: From 191 lbs to 187 lbs- 4 lbs lost

Sherry: From 177 lbs to 171 lbs- 6 lbs lost

Sam: From 298 lbs to 290 lbs- 8 lbs lost

Stephanie: From 221 lbs to 213 lbs- 8 lbs lost

Ashley: From 311 lbs to 301 lbs- 10 lbs lost

Black team lost 41 lbs total and 2.82% body fat. Meaning they beat us. Oh, crap.

Lucky for me, I had the highest percentage of body weight lost, so I was immune. And now O'Neal is on our team and with Sunshine, so I guess that is a silver lining. But what happened at the elimination ceremony was a real bummer.

It wasn't supposed to be us- it shouldn't have been us! But it was. And we had to get rid of the weakest person, and that was Miggy. I wanted it to be Lance 'cause honestly? He freaks me out a little bit. And Miggy could knife me. But I said goodbye to my best friend and mom replacement.

So, right now I am the most unpopular guy on campus. Everyone is mad at me. I think I'm going to try to find those cookies. . .

Peace,

Mike

BL9- week 6- "Let the Games Begin!"

The last time the Biggest Loser was on it was before the start of the Olympics, Jay Leno was on the air at 10:00 pm, Valentine's Day hadn't happened, and we had left the contestants in a precarious position: Orange team Cheryl and black team Darrell were squatting with burning torches balanced on their heads.

How did we get there?

To retrace our steps, we begin at the end of week 5, where brown team John has just been eliminated and Koli is un-KOLI-solable. Ali announces to the Losers that they will be taking a little trek to the United States Olympic Training Center in Colorado for one whole week! Everyone is loaded into a space ship, shot into orbit, and brought down into Colorado, or at least that is how NBC showed it. Maybe they took airplanes, I don't know. Or Jillian flew them on her invisible jet.

The Losers arrive at the center, decked out in team colored winter gear (they actually found a knit cap to fit around Daris' fro!) where they are greeted by Ali and the instructions for the weekly game: Everyone will compete as individuals, there will be a red line that if fallen below means immediate elimination, and a yellow line that two contestants will fall below and one will be eliminated. Melissa points out to us that being split from Lance is different for them than ALL the other contestants because they are married. I guess when they took their vows it also included if they ever were ever to be on a televised weight loss reality show.

They are joined by Allison Jones, member of the US Paralympic Team in skiing and cycling. Born with only one leg, her mother raised her to be a competitive athlete and she has won 4 medals. She never let being disabled slow her down. To kick off the week, Allison carries the torch (not the same torch that was used during the games, I noticed in my re-watching) and passes it to other Losers until they reached the Olympic Training Center torch receptacle and they light it up! Not as cool as the big icy looking thing at the opening and closing ceremonies at the actual winter games. . .but symbolic. Mike says, "I never would have guessed I would be [here] with all these athletes!" We never did either, Mike.

The teams check into their rooms and pick up their celebrity swag: Flags autographed by the athletes-in-residence. Lance gives a hearty guffaw as he exclaims, "Being fat got my to the Olympics!" Not quite, Lance. You are staying at the building where people TRAIN for the Olympics. It's like me saying I was ambassador to France because I took a tour of the UN.

The next morning the Losers meet in the Olympiteria to talk with USOTC nutritionists Adam and Laura to discuss the nutritional requirements for an Olympic athlete. The calorie range? Anywhere from 1,600 to 8,000 calories a day. 8,000? What sport does that fuel? And when can I start training for that?

Oddly, there is a dessert carousel in the Olympiteria that we find Stephanie pressing her face against. Bob talks her down with an Extra Sugar Free Gum plug. Because gum may be just as satisfying as eating a piece of cake.

Then it is time for a little drama with Koli and Sam. Koli just can't get over that John is gone, saying, "I can't get John off my mind!" He feels unworthy of still being on the show and wants to run away from his problems just like he always runs away. I feel that there is something else going on upstairs with Koli and he is just saying it's because he is sad about John to get those feelings out. Or they were really tight. We don't see everything that happens in their down time! Koli decides he needs to let his walls down, then run into those walls, and let the aforementioned walls beat him down.

First training! The Losers meet with alpine skier Julia Mancuso and free style skier Speedy "Cutie Pie" Peterson with Bob and Jillian for some old school circuit training. They do the agility ladder, the punching bag, push ups, hula hooping while balanced on a Bosu ball (that looks crazy hard). Jillian tells the athletes, "If they mess up feel free to punish them."

Speedy asks Bob, "Think these guys need a break?" to which Bob replies, "No, they don't get a break. They can rest after the Olympics!"

After the punishment, er. . .workout, Bob takes Koli aside and lights the Olympic fire under his depressed butt. To further illustrate this point, NBC cuts to an image of the lit Olympic flame.

Pop Challenge! Ali greets the Losers with J.R. Celski, Olympic short track speed skater and reason why I don't wear ice skates (he sports a 4-inch scar on his thigh where he gouged himself 2 months before). The challenge emulates speed skating on a slide board. The Losers must skate from side to side, touching the sensors on each side 500 times. The winners will win gold, silver, and bronze prizes for first, second, and third place finishes.

J.R. demonstrates and makes it look easy. When the Losers get on the boards, it is a little more of a challenge. Thanks camera crew for shaking the camera like an earthquake any time someone fell! Way to drive that over weight message home. Melissa and Sam fight for the gold, but Melissa lands on her butt and Sam takes the win! Melissa wins silver, and Sunshine goes for bronze. Ali promises what they have won will be revealed at the challenge, so star swipe to. . .

The Challenge! The Losers meet at the Garden of the Gods state park with Ali and paralympic athlete Kelly Underkofler, who was born with only half an arm. She is a paralympic shooter and competes in the biathlon, a mix of cross country skiing and shooting. Instead of skiing, the Losers will be running, and instead of real rifles they will be using laser guns. Lance snorts, "I gots this in the bag!" claiming his shooting skills puts food on the table, literally. I imagined a roast squirrel or possum.

The game isn't just shooting willy nilly: The Losers have to chose the target of the opponent they want out of the game. When all five of the targets have been shot, they are out. Ali reveals the advantages to the winners of the pop challenge: Sunshine can hit one target now, Melissa can hit two targets now, and Sam can hit three targets now. Sunshine chooses Sam, Melissa chooses Sam, and Sam splits his between Sunshine and Melissa. So now they are all screwed.

The strongest and youngest competitors are out of the game quickly, leaving Darrell and O'Neal to duke it out. You know it is a weird game when those two are the last Losers standing. O'Neal beats Darrell by microseconds, winning immunity for the week.

The Losers are rocketed back into orbit, and land safely in LA and, of course, a 24 Hour Fitness where they are greeted by Bob, Jillian, and Rock Brubaker who is one half of an Olympic pairs figure skating team. Rock leads the Losers in a Bootcamp class, where Bob encourages Rock to "Beat them up!", and then they finish the rest of the last chance workout.

Touching moment! O'Neal manages to balance on a Bosu ball and squat, getting Sunshine to squeal, "He's squatting! He's squatting!"

Then it is back to the ranch for the weigh in! We are reminded yet again about the ominous red line and the yellow line. For the first time, the Losers are weighing in as individuals.

O'Neal: From 333 lbs to 325 lbs- 8 lbs lost
Mike: From 443 lbs to 432 lbs- 11 lbs lost (not quite the 100 lbs in 6 weeks goal)
Stephanie: From 225 lbs to 221 lbs- 4 lbs lost

Sunshine: From 245 lbs to 239 lbs- 6 lbs lost

Koli: From 335 lbs to 326 lbs- 9 lbs lost

Andrea: From 262 lbs to 255 lbs- 7 lbs lost

Darrell: From 343 lbs to 338 lbs- 5 lbs lost

Sam: From 310 lbs to 298 lbs- 12 lbs lost

Sherry: From 180 lbs to 177 lbs- 3 lbs lost

Ashley: From 317 to 311 lbs- 6 lbs lost

Daris: From 283 lbs to 274 lbs- 9 lbs lost

Cheryl: From 194 lbs to 191 lbs- 3 lbs lost

Miggy: From 206 lbs to 199 lbs- 7 lbs lost

Lance: From 314 lbs to 305lbs- 9 lbs lost

Melissa: From 198 lbs to 199 lbs- 1 lb gain

One pound GAIN!?! Melissa is below the red line and therefore is immediately eliminated. Here are some choice lines from this season's bad girl:

"I can't figure out my body."

"I don't trust my body."

"What's wrong? What's the problem?"

"At least I get to see my kids."

"I think it should be me because everyone else has more serious medical problems."

"Keep Lance motivated because he can't come home before 250."

To Lance: "Do what you know you have to do."

To Lance: "I'm going home. Don't follow me."

Bob whispers in her ear, "I'll take really good care of your husband," and Melissa vanishes into the dark mist back to Texas.

Due to body fat percentages, Cheryl and Darrell are below the yellow line. Ali throws out a twist: There won't be a vote tonight because the contestants will go head to head in an elimination challenge like The Real World/Road Rules challenge. Cheryl and Darrell have to balance lit torches on their heads until one of them loses the torch and the flame goes out.

And we have come full circle in a two week cliff hanger! Who will be going home this week? Tune in to find out. Same fat time. Same fat channel.

BL9- week 5- Yellow and Blue makes GREEN

This week's show started with a bang, or really a burst. Miggy's emotions bottled up and her appendix actually exploded. I don't know if this is Dr. H's medical opinion, but it is my completely non-medical opinion that this is what occurred. And somehow, the loss of her daughter last week AND her appendix this week enabled her tear ducts to start flowing. Miggy cried a lot this week.

The teams are unplugged from their Top Gun breathing apparatus and told by Ali the news about Miggy. Then she takes them outside for some more news- the yellow and blue teams are back on the ranch.

As we all remember, Bob and Jillian hid in the bushes and told the yellow and blue teams that it wasn't over yet- they would return to the ranch in one month's time to weigh in. Whichever team loses the greatest amount of weight gets to stay and compete.

Yellow and Blue look great and eager and ready to weigh in. But first. . .they get a personal last chance workout with Bob and Jillian. It's a "rite of passage" for each contestant, according to Bob. It's super intense, and of course they push themselves way further than they ever did at home. And everyone is surprised that they could push themselves so hard! Then it is right to the scale.

TWIST: Ali informs the contestants that not only will the team with the greatest weight loss get to stay on the ranch, but they also get immunity AND they get the only vote at the elimination ceremony. PERKS.

"God bless this game,"Jillian sighs. The weigh in results:

Cherita and Vicky- 24 pounds lost and 39 pounds lost
Sunshine and O'Neal- 25 pounds lost and 51 pounds lost

Yellow team wins! The blue team is going home, but they are confident that they will be able to further continue their journey at home.

Workout time! Bob and Jillian load their mind bullets into their mind guns and get started on Melissa and Daris. Melissa and Bob work one on one, and Bob is making it HARD for her. She cries. And cries. And screams like she is giving birth. What she has given birth to is Bob's new found respect for her because she didn't throw last week's weigh in, even with immunity. Jillian focuses on why Daris isn't bringing in the high numbers he should be bringing in. He is having major esteem issues, still thinking of himself as the funny fat guy. Jillian suggests he call himself the guy who lost 51 pounds in four weeks guy. Not as catchy, but I think it's more fitting.

PLUG #1- Jenni-O Chili time! The yellow team is quickly inducted into the world of semi-scripted commercials. Sunshine gives a brief monologue about why she loves stew during the winter, and Bob suggests using Jenni-O turkey to make chili. "Aren't you comforted?" he asks.

Then it is time for the CHALLENGE! In honor of the Superbowl, the contestants will choose one member of their team to hit tackle dummies back and forth until they reach 1,000. The winner will receive immunity, and the loser will receive a 2 pound disadvantage.

White Knight Mike gets into an Olivia Newton John groove, and uses his disco skills and massive reach to win the challenge. Poor tiny Sherry from the pink team loses and earns the disadvantage.

Back at the ranch, Miggy returns from the hospital, filled with saline and a hole where her appendix once was. The only exercise she is approved to do is walking. She walks 13 miles the day AFTER she has surgery. This lady is a machine. Apparently losing your daughter and your appendix will not slow a sassy Latina down.

PLUG #2- Stephanie and Sam are hungry. What to eat? How about Yoplait smoothies? Bob hears a package being opened and like a dog with a bag of dog food pops into the kitchen to make sure that the plug is going "smoothie". HA! That was a good one. :)

LAST CHANCE WORKOUT is called jab jump and bounce! John is out of the pool and back in the gym, and Bob offers these prophetic words, "I have a feeling John's gonna blow up the scale this week!"

Jillian takes aim at Ashley and gets into her head when she catches her slowly walking on the treadmill even with the 2 pound disadvantage looming over her head. Turns out that Ashley has some serious daddy issues: her father, who was very negative about Ashley's weight, died of cancer and she wasn't there until it was too late. Jillian allows her to unburden herself, but will it be enough to turn things around at the weigh in?

Before the weigh in, O'Neal gives Sunshine a lesson in crushing the other opponents, and then it is time to see who will persevere for another week.

Sunshine and O'Neal: 5 pounds lost and 5 pounds lost
Mike: 13 pounds lost
Ashley and Sherry: 9 pounds lost and 6 pounds lost (2 pound disadvantage)
Melissa and Lance: 5 pounds lost and 4 pounds lost
"I am disappointed in Lance. I am!" Melissa exclaims.
Daris and Cheryl: 12 pounds lost and 3 pounds lost
Stephanie: 5 pounds lost
Sam and Koli: 10 pounds lost and 6 pounds lost
Andrea and Darrell: 5 pounds lost and 8 pounds lost
Miggy: 5 pounds lost
John: 6 pounds lost

Unfortunately, John needed to lose 7 pounds to stay in the game. And since he is not in a team, the yellow team didn't need to have a vote. John is gone, and so is the brown team.

At the reveal, John has lost a total of 104 pounds, and has discovered that he loves Ji Jitsu. He is kicking ass and he is taking names.

Next episode is about the Olympics- timely!- and 2 contestants will be eliminated. BUM BUM BUM.